Ep #19: Building Self-Trust

I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 19, Building Self-Trust. Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce, and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach, with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready, and let's dive into today's episode. Hi, friend, and welcome back. I'm so excited that you're here with me. And this is a topic today that I really wanted to dive into because honestly, it's just so important. We talk a lot about being trustworthy, being able to trust others, and when we're in relationships that end after divorce, trust is a huge topic. And so often we're focused on how we can't trust others or we can, and who can we trust, and it's just this big complicated kind of mess. But today, I want to talk about the one person that you need to trust more than anybody else in this earth, and that's you. So why is self-trust so important? Well, as long as we're looking outside of ourselves, as long as we're looking externally for our truth, we're always gonna be looking in the wrong spot. The great Martha Beck has a wonderful quote from her book, The Way of integrity, she says that you need to stop living by consensus and start living by your senses. And I just love this so much, it resonated so powerfully for me, because really, it's the work that I do for myself with my clients every day, and what I'm hoping that I'm offering you on this podcast. But it's learning to be aligned with the truth, your truth, and most importantly, learning how to listen and trust your own inner guidance system, your own inner GPS that each one of us has. And why do we wanna do this? Because when we trust ourselves, when we're aligned with our truth, when we're listening and we're trusting our intuition, we are creating resilience. But how do we even do this? So often by the media, by culture, growing up, we're given all the messaging to not trust ourselves. Especially those of us that grew up being good girls. If we just followed the rules, if we just did what everybody told us to, if we just checked all the boxes, if we just did what our parents said to do or the church said to do, or our school said to do, or our coach said to do. If we just follow the rules, everything would be okay. But the problem with this, this being told what to do by everyone, it forces us to constantly be looking outside of ourselves, to constantly be questioning our own judgment, and when we start doing that, we don't get good at listening to what we have to say, listening to our internal guidance system. There just becomes so many voices in our head that we can't even distinguish which one from which one. What's the truth? What's just things we've been told? And it gets very complicated. We don't learn what alignment looks like when we're looking outside of ourselves. And we start looking so much on what do we do? What do we do next? That we really step away from what we need to do. Which is, how do I feel? Because when we are in tuned with what's going on in our body and our emotions, then we have more power. So who do we even listen to? There's so many voices, whether it's the past, whether it's culture, whether it's media, whatever it is, there's so many different competing voices, and it's hard for us to understand what is our true voice. And so that's where I wanna start today, is just to tap into our intuition that's what I'm gonna call it, that inner voice, our inner guidance system. And so the way that I like to think about it is we have two voices kind of competing in our heads. There's one, which is the ego, and the other one, which is our intuition. The ego is very necessary. It gets a bad rep a lot of the time. People talk about someone having a way too big ego or our ego gets us into trouble. But the ego is actually really necessary, it's the thing that stops you from walking in front of a car, touching a hot stove, jumping off too high a cliff. Whatever it is, the ego is actually there for our survival, to keep us safe, and so in that instance, it's very useful, but it has some un-useful sides. [chuckle] And then there's our intuition, and this is our deep knowing, this is the part of us that is in tune with the energy of the world, with source. Whether you call it God, universe, whatever you wanna call it, that part of us that is our intuition, our internal compass, that is the part that is one, not a little O, but a big O. The one part, the one energy that connects all of us, and when we can tap into that energy, that's where we find our strength. So how can we tell these two voices apart? Well, I like to use the analogy that the ego is very much like a fire hydrant, it is spewing thoughts and things at you all day long, every day, it's just with such force, it's coming out at you. Then there's the intuition, this is more like a deep well. With a Well, you have to walk up to it, you have to take a bucket, you have to lower it, you have to scoop up what's down there and then you have to lift it all the way up before you see what's in it. So this is a really good analogy that I've used to understand those thoughts and things that are spewing at me first, that's the ego. I have to actually access my intuition on purpose to be able to listen. And that's what I wanna talk about now. So I'm gonna offer you three ways to access your intuition, the first of those is stillness. And I know I've talked about meditation on this podcast before, or if you call it prayer, or breath work. Whatever it might be, sitting in stillness, allows us to connect to that part of us, that one-ness, that source energy that is within us, and that is our internal guidance system. This is the part of you that is unchangeable, that is love and energy. And why do we wanna sit in stillness? Well, because when we sit there and we access that part of us, even if it's just for a moment, we can memorize that feeling, and when we memorize it, we can come back to it. When life gets crazy and messy and hard and complicated, and all the things are spinning, we can find that stillness within ourselves on purpose, we can create it, and we can use it to access our intuition whenever we need it. When we're still, and we have that practice of sitting in stillness and we're able to access that, what it allows us to do is to ask ourselves first before we ask for other people's opinion. And this is a really important point that I wanna make, whenever you find yourself wanting to go out and get that consensus, what everybody else thinks, I want you to stop and ask yourself the question first, answer it for yourself first. Once you tap into that intuition and you answer the question, then you get to decide if you really want other people's input. This is a powerful place to be making choices from, you get your thoughts first, and then you choose what you're gonna take in. Just this ability to sit in stillness or just take a pause when things are getting escalated, maybe it's putting your hand on your heart and taking a breath and just telling yourself, I've got this, I've got you, it's okay, and I love you. When we do these things, when we stop ourselves, when we connect to our intuition and we remind ourselves that we've got this and we're okay, we create more resilience, we create more opportunity for us to move forward in the way that we want on purpose with intention and showing up the way that we want to. The second way that I wanna talk about to access your intuition is really dropping into your body. This is something that I do with my clients all the time, and for some of us, it's really hard. So many of us just live in the whatever that is, 5% of your body that's above your shoulders, AKA your head, we're like walking heads walking around and we forget that we have this whole body, and really to be able to connect to that oneness, connect to our internal power and our internal guidance system, we have to connect our head with our heart. And so dropping into our body and connecting allows us to access our inner knowing, this is where we create effortlessly from, and where we can use our body to tell us our truth. There's a beautiful saying in yoga that says, "If it's light, it's right." When we feel resistance, and then we feel something that is lighter, that is warmer, that's what we want to move towards it. When we feel things that are colder and tighter, that's more resistance. So that is our internal guidance system telling us, our body's saying, move away from this and move towards this. I can guarantee you if you're moving towards warmth and love and light, you're moving in the right direction, even when it's scary. The third way that I wanna talk about accessing your intuition is by writing to it. Okay, this might sound a little silly, but just bear with me for a second 'cause this can be really powerful, and if you're someone who loves journaling, this is a good one. So what I want you to do is open a journal to a blank page and whatever is on your mind, whatever you might be struggling with, a decision you need to make, a conflict that's going on, you write on the top of the page, "Dear intuition." And then you ask it the question, then you wait in stillness. You wait and you listen, and remembering that the ego is probably gonna come first, but you keep waiting until you find that deep knowing, that deep voice inside of you. The way that you're gonna know that it's your intuition is because it's always leading you to a place of empowerment and light and love. Now, that does not mean that it's telling you all fluffy things, but it is guiding you towards your truth, even when that truth is really difficult to hear, and then when it answers. You ask again. And then what? Or, why? Just keep asking. If it gives you an answer, why is it? And keep going, layers and layers deep, because you will get to what your inner truth is. And it might feel odd at times and it might feel strange at first to do this, I understand that, but just give it a try. Because it is a way for us to be able to get quiet and access that wise version of ourselves that is in there. So what does this all have to do with self-trust? Why am I talking about listening to our intuition and how to access it? Well, when we are able to listen to and then start to trust our intuition, we develop a sense of confidence, a resilience in ourselves, to know that we're gonna show up. When we keep listening, this bond gets stronger and stronger. We listen less to others and more to ourselves. We stop asking other people what to do and start answering our own questions. We start letting go of the judgments of what other people are gonna think about us and start stepping into who we are fully, owning it, loving it. This is a very powerful way. And when we are listening to our intuition, there's little ways that can really be benefited, things like self-care. When we listen to our intuition, when we allow ourselves to honor where we are physically, mentally and emotionally, we show up for ourselves differently, we take care differently. There's that saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup", and this is so, so true. When you show up and listen to what it is that you need, and then you give it to yourself, this is huge. Because you learn that when I have a need, I am going to fill it for myself, I am going to show up, I am gonna be the one who takes care of me. This builds trust, and this over time creates huge, huge impact in life. Because you can trust yourself to show up when times are calm, when times are crazy, in the big things, and in the little things. The one constant is that you're there and you trust yourself to show up. And self-trust is really necessary for another area of life that I wanna talk about today, and that's boundaries. We hear a lot about boundaries, "I need stronger boundaries." "Oh, my boundaries are just too weak." "Oh, he doesn't have good boundaries." [chuckle] It's a lot of talk about boundaries. But I think often, we get a little confused about what a boundary actually is. A boundary is... It's like a property line, it's a circle that's drawn around me. It's where I end and someone else begins. That line is used to create safety and security for me. That boundary is all about what I will do out in the world when things happen. Notice, I didn't say it was about what someone else would do, that's where we get confused, so many people think that a boundary is a tool to change other people, that it's somehow an ultimatum or a way to get what we want. If only the person would change, if only they would listen to my boundaries better. But really it is not a tool to change other people. It is a tool to contain you, so that you show up intentionally clearly and aligned with your truth. Boundaries are something that you create for you, not for other people. You create boundaries to create safety and trust and commitment to your higher self to the highest version of you or your future self as some people like to say. So many people ask me, "Well, what happens when people don't respect my boundaries?" Well, it's not about them. The boundary is about you and how you are going to show up. So why are boundaries so difficult? Because I know that I have struggled with boundaries, I know a lot of my clients struggle with boundaries. Well, the reason that they're so difficult comes down to self-trust, comes down to not really trusting ourselves. We don't maybe necessarily know what boundaries we should even have. That's when we're living by consensus, when we're trying to conform and compare and do what everyone else is doing. But then it just leaves us confused and not knowing what to do next. Sometimes we set a boundary, but then we don't know what to do. And this isn't that the boundary is wrong, it just means that we don't know how to hold the boundary. A boundary is really like a conceptual idea of what we're gonna do, but then there's an execution of that boundary, and that's the limit, where we actually set a limit for ourselves. But the reason so often that we're not able to hold the limit or hold the boundaries, as many people say, is because ultimately we're in fear. We're deeply embedded in fear. Fear of what? Well ultimately, it boils down to the fear of one thing really, the fear of losing the image or the relationship with other people. We hold so tightly to this image of ourself as the good mom, the good sister, the good daughter, the good wife, the good ex-wife, the good granddaughter, the good employee, the good girl. And we're so concerned with losing that image or tarnishing that image, or what will other people say, that we don't hold the boundary, because we start to second guess ourselves. And this is where not trusting ourselves really shows up. We can say, "Oh, I'm not gonna do that thing again." And then two minutes later, we do. When we're not trusting ourselves, when we're not listening to what is true for us and listening to our inner guidance, our inner wisdom, we are living by consensus. We're asking everybody else to define what our truth is, what we should do, but then we just end up more and more confused. This is when we've checked all the boxes. We've done all the things, and things still are not the way that we want, we're still feeling stuck and overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm guessing that some of you can relate to this feeling. So we have to be willing to work on self-trust. We do that by accessing our intuition, learning to listen, to hear it, and then actually to trust it and go towards it. This looks like showing up for yourself, in your highest integrity, being honest with yourself. It's simple and it starts small, in that we're just trying to do things, to show up every day on purpose, to listen to ourself on purpose, so that we can show up as our highest selves. So here, I want you to think about a boundary that you've wanted to set. Go through your day in your head, and you can decide one area, maybe it's an area that you get tripped up over and over and over. Maybe it's about you wanting some self-care time, but everybody interrupts you. How often have you said, "Well, I just can't have it. There's just no time. I couldn't possibly get that done." I know that so many of us moms struggle with that. Or maybe it's someone else's negative energy that you get wrapped up in. You start off your day feeling great, and then boom, somebody brings all the negativity and drama and then you're under water and you feel like it's swept over you. I know that I've felt that before. So what does a boundary look like in these settings? Well, it looks like you deciding in advance what you are gonna do when these things come at you. If you want 10 minutes of time to meditate in the afternoon, you can set your kids up for, if they're very young, an activity where they're doing something and you say, "I am going to do this for 10 minutes, I am not to be bothered. You can stay here." You give them all the options, but I am not to be bothered. Then, when they creep in, because they will, because they're little kids, and because they're supposed to be testing limits. You calmly say to yourself, "This is my time. I'm not doing anything wrong. This is what I need." And you simply say to them, "I'll be with you in 10 minutes, or five minutes." Or whatever it is. And the first few days, it might take a little while, but when you hold that limit, when you don't react, when you don't get frustrated, and you just stay true to what it is that you need, magic starts to happen. Because you start to feel more fulfilled and more confident, because you're showing up for you and you're also teaching what a boundary looks like. Here's an easy one that maybe... Those of you with teenagers, maybe you have a teenager that has a tendency to come at you, maybe use profanities or disrespectful language, and maybe you get wrapped up in it sometimes, maybe you get really sad, or maybe you yell back. But it creates drama inside of you, if that's yours, you decide I'm going to have a boundary where I am not going to allow myself to be spoken to that way. I will leave the room. Now, you don't have to say this in advance, but the next time it happens when they come at you, you simply state in a very calm voice, "When you yell profanities at me, I will walk away each time. I'm happy to talk to you when you can do so respectfully." Out you go. Now, on the way out the door, they might continue to yell, they might continue to harass you, they might keep following you, and that's where you hold the limit. That's where you say to yourself, "I do not deserve to be spoken to like that. I will not put myself in that position, and I will take care of myself." These are simple things, but it's also as simple as, if you have an ex that sends you really nasty text messages, I call them nasty grams. You might say to yourself... Maybe you say it to them, but you don't have to. But the boundary is, "I will not respond to any nasty gram." And you simply don't respond. Even in those moments when you just really want to respond, you just wanna tell them how wrong they are, you just wanna tell them how ridiculous they're being. But you don't. Because you've made a promise to yourself that you are not going to engage in that, that that is not going to get your attention, your time and your energy. So these boundaries, do they change the other person? Not necessarily, but they do change you. They change you that you're showing up for yourself, you're setting a boundary and you're deciding, "I am going to not put myself in a position. I'm not going to accept certain things." Or, "I am going to do X, Y and Z." This comes down to... When we start a meditation practice, it's a decision that you are going to commit to doing this. It's setting a boundary and saying, "I am going to do this each day, regardless of what's going on." And then we set that and when things come up, we stay true to it. There's also boundaries that we need to set sometimes within our own brains, within our own thinking. Those thoughts that are really destructive, the ones that tell us that we're unlovable, that we're not enough. It was all our fault, or we're a victim, or everything is bad. Whatever it is for you, that thought that gets you into a really dark negative place or a spiral downward, sometimes we have to put boundaries on ourselves and we say, "I just am not willing to think that thought today." There's times where I have to say to myself, "Not today. I'm not going to have that thought today." And then I actually have to hold it and choose something differently. So I hope that you can see how self-trust is so important. The more you trust yourself, the less you have to search outside of yourself, the less confusion that happens, the less, frankly, decisions that need to be made that need to be agonized over because we're trusting who we are, our inner guidance system and that source energy that we hold inside of ourselves. So I hope that this episode has offered you maybe some different perspective on boundaries too, and self-trust and what that can look like in your day-to-day life. Listen, I understand that we all struggle with boundaries, that's just how things happen, that's just the way the world works. But the more we learn to trust ourselves, the less we have to seek from the outside world, and this is a powerful place to be. Before I say goodbye from this episode, I wanna ask you a favor. If you're receiving value from this free podcast, I would be so so grateful if you would rate and review the show. This helps more than you know, because it helps me deliver what you're enjoying, but when you rate and review, it helps this show find more women, more people out there who need this message so that we can create more peace and alignment in this world for us. And most importantly for our children. I really appreciate you being with me today, I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, take really good care of you. Thanks for listening to co-parenting with confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.