Ep #159: Breaking Free: How to Stop Negative Thought Patterns in Co-Parenting

Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. Today we are diving into a topic that keeps so many co-parents stuck. Well, let's just be honest. So many people stuck, but definitely in co-parenting. And what is it? It's negative thought patterns, whether it's replaying those past arguments over and over and over in your head, or fixating on what's going wrong or the problems and just staying consumed with them. Well, we're here to help you break free of that and focus on what truly matters. That's your children's wellbeing and your peace of mind. So we're going to talk about how these patterns, they're just not only affecting the co-parenting relationship, but I guarantee that they're probably also affecting your personal emotional independence and your kids' emotional health, and we don't want that. So let's dive into this topic.

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

So what are negative thought patterns? Well, they're exactly as they sound. They're the negative loop of information that runs over and over and over in our heads, and if you've listened to any of the past episodes or there's so much information about this, but we have these automatic negative thoughts that just sort of replay. They're called ants, and I like to think of them as ants because they just really come in and take over and they're really irritating and you can't get rid of them easily, but we are going to get rid of them today. But we have to actually define what is a negative thought pattern. Well, it's rumination or excessive blame or catastrophizing, so it might be ruminating over and over about a conversation or a conflict that happens. It might be blaming your acts or yourself excessively for everything, or it could look like that catastrophizing about future interactions.

Oh, it's this way now. It's always going to be this way. Any of those things are really those negative thought patterns that will keep you trapped. So what are some real life examples? Well, it might be like, remember that time that your ax was late for pickup and then you spiraled into thinking that they have no respect for you at all? I know I've been there, right? Or maybe that time that you had that same old argument that you seem to have every time, even though you don't want to about why the marriage ended. And even though you don't agree with what you're accessing intellectually that their words cut you so deep leaving you filled with doubt, or maybe it's the nasty gram that they send you, right? Those texts or those emails that are blaming you for all of the issues with your kids and you just spiral into self-doubt and it just ruins your day.

These are negative thought patterns. So why are they around? Well, oftentimes it's things that haven't been cleaned up and negative thought patterns that just haven't been addressed and dealt with. But it could be emotional residue from the divorce or the breakup. It could be a lack of closure or healing of unresolved issues, and it could just be the human's brain's natural negativity bias. What is that? Well, our brain is actually wired for negativity, meaning that it's going to look at everything and kind of default to negativity just to keep you safe, right? Back in caveman days, it needed to just assume that the saber-tooth tiger could be outside the cave door. And so we were always wired to think that way, but now our lives are not often where we're trying to escape saber-tooth tigers and other life threatening danger all the time, but our brain is still wired for that.

And so it actually just goes to those negative thought patterns, and the more we use them, the more we use them. So what is the impact on your co-parenting? Well, it's twofold. One, these negative thought patterns, when we get really trapped in them and they start to really consume our thinking, they have a severe impact on the communication with the other co-parent because you'll most likely misinterpret even neutral actions as hostile. Again, we're just geared up and looking for that negativity or that conflict. It also makes it really difficult to stay present during co-parenting discussions. It's those times when we really are trying to stay neutral and level, but then the thoughts start coming and then we just spiral in and we end up in our head and not present to what's actually going on. And ultimately, we can end up being part of the problem instead of the solution when we're trapped in these negative thought patterns.

And there's an impact on your children too, or can be. And kids pick up emotional tension. Listen, they are so attuned to energy and they pick it up and they internalize it, and we don't want our kids internalizing our negative thought patterns. And when we are trapped in these thought patterns, we're actually modeling really unhealthy conflict resolution because we're not resolving conflict, we're just staying in the pattern. So what do we need to do about it? Well, first of all, we just have to start to recognize when we are stuck in those patterns. So here are a couple questions that you can use. You can ask yourself, do I replay the same arguments over and over and over in my head, or am I expecting the worst in every interaction with my co-parent? Or do I feel stuck even though things are relatively okay right now?

Or am I really struggling to move on even though they have, or it feels like they've just breezed right through the breakup, but you just can't. Any of these things could be a signal that you have a negative thought pattern that you're trapped in. And so there's other ways to look for this too. Besides asking yourself these questions, I want you to just notice your physical body. Maybe when your ex's name comes up on your phone or your text, maybe just notice the physical cues that you have when you are talking to them or in front of them or even thinking about them. This might be tight shoulders, erasing heart, a tightness in your stomach. Any of these physical cues are our body's way of letting us know that something is misaligned. And so sometimes we can trace that back to what we're thinking about.

Sometimes we can't. But it's a good way to start to connect your mind and body by looking at those physical cues. So if you have noticed, maybe there is something that your ex always says to you, they blame you for this one thing, and while you don't actually agree with them intellectually, it's like inside your body, you just become consumed without what if, if they're right and the worry. So what we want to do here is we want to start to break free of these negative thought patterns, and we first of all have to just notice when we have it. The first step is always awareness. We talk about that so much here on the podcast, but really noticing when you are trapped in that thought. Sometimes we can notice it by the way that we're feeling in our physical body. Sometimes we notice it because we're actually down the track.

If that negative thought pattern is a train, it's like we got on the train and it is racing down the track. As soon as you realize you're on the track, you have the power to stop. That is where awareness helps you. And so you just stop yourself. How do we do that? We take a big breath in and out and we recognize and notice, oh, I am thinking this negative thought. Now here's where we can do a couple things. First, we always ground, okay, we take a breath in and out, maybe two or three, and allow yourself to come into the present moment. And then I want you to notice what am I feeling? What are those physical sensations that you're feeling in your body so that you can become present to what your body is experiencing while you're mentally rehearsing these negative thought patterns?

It's with this awareness that we kind of unhook from the feeling and it opens up space. And what does it open up space for? Well, it's twofold. One, a shift perspective, a thought swap, and two, sometimes we need some boundaries, but let's talk about the shift perspective. In those moments, when you notice that you have gone down that sort of road and you've become aware of it, you stop and you decide what you want to do here. And sometimes it just takes a shift with saying something, a mantra like, Hey, maybe they're not trying to ruin my day. Maybe they're just really overwhelmed, or maybe what they're saying isn't true at all, but how am I believing it? Just starting to question and get curious around what the negative thought is or isn't, if it's true or not true, can help us kind of again, unhook from it.

And when we feel ourselves being pulled down the train, we stop, we breathe, we refocus, and we start to decide what do I want? Another shift perspective that I found really helpful and I use with my clients a lot, and I had to use in my own life for a long time, was the idea that everybody is doing the best that they can at any given moment with what they have available. So shortened up. Everyone is doing the best that they can at any given time. If you ask yourself that question, are you doing your best? Your answer is going to be yes, absolutely right? You're doing the best you can for you and your kids, but we also have to extend that if it's true for you, it's true for others. And if it's true for others, it could also be true for our ex.

Even when their best is really not good, is really not helpful, is really, really annoying and frustrating. They might be doing the best that they can with what they have available, which means they need some different skills or we need some different skills to deal with it. So the next step is setting boundaries with our minds, and this is really where we start to choose different thoughts where we question those thoughts and we can choose a different one. Again, if negative thought pattern is a train, it's like when we stop the train, we actually have to get off onto the platform and choose a different one to go into. That could look simple as saying, that's an old story and I'm just not reading it today. Or allowing yourself a little bit of some boundaries of worry time. Let yourself worry. But then maybe it's just 30 seconds or one minute, and then when that's done, you move on starting to give your brain some space and some parameters so that you don't get lost in that long thought train and pattern.

And it could just be asking yourself some general questions like, what am I assuming about the co-parent that might not be true at all? What is one thing that I handled really well in this scenario starting to shift your perspective? Because one thing I've noticed is it's almost as if when we get divorced, we feel like the co-parent is frozen in time that they're never going to change. And yes, we probably see so many patterns that are similar over and over, but we actually have to make space for just like we're growing, expanding. Maybe they are as well, because when we have them locked into, I know them. I know exactly what they're doing, we actually are giving into those negative thought patterns and keeping ourselves stuck. Listen, this is not easy work either. I just want to throw that out there. And having a coach or a therapist or even a support group who is helping you be able to identify these thoughts and then move past them is so important for your healing and your children's healing.

So what I want you to do is a couple of tips for you as you're moving forward is just allow yourself some space as even a little mantra to say, I'm here for my child or my children. I'm not here for the conflict. Or giving yourself that pause that we've talked about so much to not just react to things, but to pause and take a breath. Maybe give yourself a one hour rule or a 12 hour rule or 24 hour rule before you respond to anything, because that gives you the space to calm down and to choose to connect and to understand what's going on and decide, am I in a negative thought loop or am I actually moving in the direction I want to go? Because that's where we want to be moving from. And in that moment with the mantra, I'm here for my children, not the conflict, and you're pausing and you're giving yourself that space, don't forget to breathe and connect your mind and your body.

That helps us get out of our head and get into our body and our physical experience so that we can start to choose differently. And when you do get activated, shake it off, walk it off, dance it off, do something physically to actually release that energy from the negative thought pattern because we actually have to start to let these things go a little bit. Alright, I hope this was helpful. I really want you breaking away from these negative thought patterns and it's not just pretending that everything is perfect, but it's really about reclaiming your piece, focusing on the present and showing up for you and your kids the way that you want to. You can do this, I promise you. If you need help, let's get on a breakthrough call. There's a link in the show notes, so all you have to do is get on my calendar and we are going to help you shift out of those negative thought patterns and into aligned action for you and your kids.

And most of all, I just want you to remember, the co-parenting is not about perfection. It's about progress. And progress has started when we start to do the work to change our insides, and that inside change creates the external change that we want to see in the world. I believe in you. I know you can do this, and I will see you next time. Until then, remember, I love you and you've got this.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or the qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com . I'll see you next week.