Ep #153: Break the Cycle: Choosing Growth Over Grudges

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn, learn what it takes to become a great co parent and an amazing example to your children. Well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hi and welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to be with you today. If you're listening to this, when this episode drops, It's November of 2024 and the holidays are approaching. And I know if you're anything like me, post-divorce holidays, they can be hit or miss. And I wanted to talk about really, how do we create more stability, more calm, more presence, more joy, more space for celebration in our lives even after divorce? It's possible. And I want to talk about that today because navigating co-parenting, especially during the holidays, it can feel like a minefield of emotions and challenges coming your way, especially when there's so many expectations about what should be happening, what should have happened, all of those things, just the stress of the holiday season, all of the movement back and forth, all of the gift giving, all of the guilt and, stress that parents feel. Listen, I get it and I wanted to talk about that today before I get too far in though I do want to let those of you who are divorced dads in the Detroit, Michigan area know that I'm doing a holiday event just for you. Because I know that sometimes it can feel like maybe, you know, your ex-partner or the mom or whomever was sort of in charge of holidays and it can be really intimidating of how do you really navigate fatherhood and the holidays and traditions post divorce? Well, I created a hands on evening. We're not going to sit and talk. We're going to actually get up and move. We're going to get really creative. We're going to do some fun things that you can do with your kids so that you can start to really intentionally build new traditions and new connections with your kids, even post-divorce. And so if you want to join, there's a link in the show notes. I would love to see you there. You do have to get your ticket in advance, so please make sure you go to that link in the show notes.

And for the rest of us, if you're not a dad in the Detroit area, let's talk about how do we really start to sort of move through the holiday season with the tools that you need to not be reactionary? Right. I know I've talked a lot about reaction and living in reaction and overreaction on the show, but let's face it, we all still do it. And we're not here to shame anybody. We're not here to guilt trip anybody. What I want to do is help you prioritize your personal growth so that you can start to really model emotional maturity, right, for your children, for your co-parenting partner, for the other people and other adults in your lives, really creating a healthy dynamic, first and foremost with yourself. But then that trickles down to everyone around you, including your children. Listen, it's really about choosing compassion and choosing collaboration over the conflict. And this can be really hard, especially when we're triggered. And that's why we cannot wait until the holidays arrive or wait until the next conflict happens to then do it differently. That's what many of us do. We're like, oh, fingers crossed. I'm going to make sure that I don't do XYZ the next time my co-parenting partner does abc. What we need to do is start in advance of deciding how am I going to take care of myself so that I'm able to move through conflict that might arise. Big emotions that the children might be having, big emotions I might be having.

I want to be honest with you. I used to love Christmas. I loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it. I just loved to decorate, to do all of the things to have the Christmas morning. I had so many expectations post-divorce. and still to this day, it's been 10 years, I still struggle with Christmas morning because either my son is with me or he isn't. And, it doesn't look the way that I wanted it to look. And I've had to do a lot of grieving around that. And frankly, the holidays for me bring up a lot of grief each year about what isn't in my life, what didn't come to be. But I also can balance that with creating new traditions, creating holiday memories with my son and my family, and also try to incorporate my ex and his family so that we can start to embrace what is true. Right? Because both things can be held at the same time. It's a skill called cognitive dissonance. Being able to hold two competing things at one time. And what I have to hold is the sadness that my marriage ended and that I, don't have those family Christmases that I really wanted for my son. And at the same time, really step into gratitude and compassion and create new memories because we do have time together. We are together and celebrating that part. So it's like a dance of going through. And I find myself each time, you know, the holidays are approaching, like, oh, you know, what do I need to do here? And at the same time, finding and connecting in different ways. But when conflict comes up or when there is just continuous conflict between you and the other co parent, it makes it even more challenging. And so what we have to really start to do is make an intentional decision about what you want.

What do you want your co-parenting to look like? What do you want your holidays to look like? Let's get it more granular. What do you want? Maybe just your holiday celebration with your children to look like? And then start focusing there because when we get too broad and we're just looking for. I just want things to be easier. I just don't want there to be conflict anymore. I don't want to be fighting with my ex. I want to be able to make easy decisions. Okay, yes, yes, yes, and yes to all of those things. And we've got to pull it back and just start with the one decision, the one step, the one thing right in front of us. This is where I think so many of us get lost because we want things to change so desperately, but we're not focused on how that's actually going to go and how that's actually going to happen. I heard a quote the other day from Amber Lilyestrom, and she said, the way to fight the good fight is to be the good that you want to see. Right? And that's really what is true, is we have to fight for good. We have to be willing to put ourselves in a position of compassion, of collaboration, of growth, instead of holding on to grievances, holding onto staunch ideas, to being right. Oh, my goodness. Right. We all want to be right. It's kind of like a natural human reaction. We just want to be right. And we want somebody to be like, you know what, Mikki, you're right. But how many times does that happen in a day? No, not very many. So it's really about choosing. There's that old adage, you can either be right or you can be happy. And part of it is really letting go of, that need to be right, to opening up to flexibility. To openness, to collaboration. And that sounds well and good, but how do you actually do that? Well, that's where I want to look at just the holidays, right? Or just a plan to get you through the next interaction with your ex, right? Really pulling it down to being specific and intentional about one thing. That could be the morning that you have with your children. That could look like how you're going to pick up from school. I'm giving this, like, wide range of examples here, but they all come back to one thing, which is really choosing with intention. What you want to see, how you want to feel, and then what is it that you need to do to get there? Does that make sense? It's really choosing to be the example of what it is that you want. If you don't want the arguing, if you don't want the conflict, we have to stop engaging in it. And you might say, well, Mikki, I'm not the one who's continuing it, but lots of times when we take a really honest look, there are ways that we're sort of continuing it. And that does not mean that you roll over, that you give in, that you people please, that you're like, well, whatever. No, what I'm saying is you really decide, I want collaboration or I want cooperation, or I want to sort of not feel whatever it is, or I just want a holiday morning with my children that's calm and that's fun, whatever it is. Then we start to build the plan of how we're going to get there. What do I need to be doing? How do I need to be taking care of myself? How do I need to be showing up?

Because a lot of times when we react, when we do things that we don't want to or we overreact or we sort of offload onto someone else, it's because we've hit capacity, because we just are overwhelmed and there's just too much going on. That's okay. Again, we're not shaming or berating anyone here. We all make mistakes, but it's what we do next. And so what I want you to think about is how do you really decide? What is it that I need, right, for you to have a. Let's just use the example of, let's say you're celebrating Christmas, and let's say you have Christmas morning with your kids. Maybe you share that holiday, and they come partway through the day. And, sometimes what we do is we run ourselves ragged, right, Trying to get everything ready, to make sure that everything's perfect, or we're in such an emotional place leading up to, that morning because of what we don't have the day before that. We're sad. Maybe we're over drinking, maybe we're over Netflixing, maybe we're not sleeping, whatever it is, then our children arrive or we go and get them and we're depleted, right? We're exhausted, we're grumpy. So it's really about deciding if I want to have a fun, calm morning. That means I need to be in a fun, calm mood. How am I going to do that? That doesn't look like the moment your children arrive. It might look like 12, 24 hours before that. What do I need to be doing? What prep do I need to do to make sure that I'm calm, cool and collected? What, things do I need? How much sleep do I need? Do I need to eat differently? Exercise, Right? Really stopping and being intentional and deciding in advance what do I need to be the best version of me. And this can happen each and every moment. And here is the thing, we are going to fall short. We are going to miss the boat. We are not going to get things done. And that is okay because we get to go again each moment we are given that opportunity to try again.

My yoga teacher said this morning in yoga and it really hit me is that the more love you give, the more love you have to give, the more energy you give, the more energy you have to give, right? So it's actually really filling ourselves up with what it is that we need so we have more of it to give. It's really possible. And I know I've thrown a lot of things at you, but what I'm hoping is this sort of triggers conversation with yourself to say, what is it that I really want for the holiday season, for the next transition day, for shoot tomorrow morning or tonight? What do I really need to make sure that I am showing up the way that I want? That I am choosing growth over holding grudges or conflict or continuing the problem. It's really breaking that cycle by being intentional in choosing what you want, how you want to feel, and then how you are going to go about getting there. And listen, this isn't always so easy to do on our own. I get that. That is why I have a coaching practice. That is why my clients come to me, is so that we can walk through the journey together. Because like I said, at the top of this, co-parenting can feel like a minefield of emotions, of challenges, of conflict, of tricky situations. And we need someone there in our corner who is there just for us, to help us navigate it, to help us get a clearer perspective and to move forward. If that's what you need and what you want. I do want you to jump on a breakthrough call with me so that we can talk about it. Because you're not alone in this journey. You and I can work together for four months and I guarantee those four months will change the trajectory of what is going forward. Because we learn how to regulate our nervous system. We learn how to resolve conflict differently. We learn how to really show up for ourselves so we have more love, more energy, and more goodness to give because we have given it to ourselves. That is what I want for you. That is what I am hoping for you and your children this entire holiday season and moving forward. If you have questions, just know that I am always here for you. Just reach out, Instagram, email. You know how to find me. I'm sending you. So much love and many blessings. See you soon.

Oh, and one more thing. The legal stuff this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co Parenting With Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, Visit Co-parenting with Confidence.com I'll see you next week.