Ep #123: Believe You Can - A Love Note from Me

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother. And I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hello and happy Valentine's Day. Listen, I am not much of a Valentine's Day person. And I don't get into this. It's not a day that I'm super excited about or not excited about. It's a Hallmark holiday, and that's okay. But what I did wanna talk about today in honor of Valentine's Day and the meaning behind it is love. And I want to send you a love note from me, your co-parenting coach, because listen, the reason that co-parenting feels hard, the reason that parenting feels hard is because it is hard. Not because you're doing it wrong, not because the other co-parent is making it difficult, not because your children are making it difficult, because it is hard. It's the hardest job parenting that we have in the entire world. And then co-parenting in two separate houses, maybe with conflict, with different opinions, different ideas, makes it even more complicated.

And so the reason that it feels hard is because it is hard. But let's not just wallow in that, but I wanna say that and start this conversation out because we can't ignore this point. And when we try to ignore it or maybe put just toxic positivity on it, and like, oh, everything's gonna be fine, right? That doesn't really work. But we also don't wanna gaslight ourselves saying like, oh, you're just not doing it right or blaming yourself, or that you are somehow doing it wrong. No, it's hard because it is hard. And when we can look at that with compassion, I feel like it helps. I wanted to title this, Believe You Can, because there's a billboard I drive by on my way to and from yoga in the mornings and the evenings when I go and all it says is Believe You Can with these puffy clouds and this pretty writing, and it makes me smile every time I see it.

But it's such an important message because really the person who needs to believe that you can more than anybody else isn't the other co-parent, isn't your children; it's you. You need to believe that you can make the changes you want, that you can be the parent that you wanna be, that you can be the human, have the life, enjoy this one beautiful life that you get. You need to start believing that you can. And sometimes it's hard, right? And sometimes we don't have that belief, and that's where, as your coach, I hold this belief for you until you can carry it yourself. This is what I do for my clients in our one-to-one coaching, is I hold this belief until they're ready to carry it themselves. And today, I just wanted you to know, if this is a tough day, maybe things don't look the way that you want.

Maybe the relationship ended and you're feeling really alone. Maybe you haven't found love again and wondering if you ever will. Maybe you're just not feeling really in love with being a mom or a dad or a parent. Listen, we all have those times. And the more honest we can be about that with ourselves and with others, safe people, this is really an important thing. So how do we believe that we can? How do you believe that you can do whatever it is that you want? Well, part of it, like I said, is choosing to believe and to have faith that this will come. But the other side of it, the more practical side is also just learning how to not be surprised by all the things that make it hard. Right? Sometimes we get so surprised when things are difficult, when people act the way that they always act, right?

Or when the pattern that you've been stuck in happens over again, right? We become surprised by it, and that surprise that we allow ourselves to feel sort of derails us from really what's going on. So to believe that you can is partly in a decision to just believe that you can move through this, believe that you will have the courage to do it, and then you start actually proving that to yourself. Like I said, it's hard because it just is hard. And everyday there's going to be hard moments. And if you're anything like me, there's some mornings I wake up and I'm like, Ugh, no, not today, right? I don't even have it in me, but you know what you do, at least what I do in those moments, I take a breath and I get out of bed, right? That's what we do as parents, as good parents who want to do the right thing.

We get out of bed, even when it's hard, even when we don't want to, when we are there for our children, and it's challenging. We get out of bed, we just start moving. And it's really being able to be aware of how you're feeling, to be able to name it, to say, I'm exhausted, or I'm freaked out, or I'm so stressed, or I'm overwhelmed. Okay? So what we need to do is acknowledge what's going on to be emotionally aware of it, right? Not trying to ignore it so that we become reactive, but being emotionally present and aware. And then we can start to be open about, okay, well, I am feeling this way. How can I still move forward in the direction that I wanna go? Because this is the thing, making change, believing that you can really making massive shifts in how you co-parent and how you parent, and how you adult in the world, doing that is not one giant transformation that you make.

It's each choice, each moment, each decision that moves you either closer to or further from what you're wanting. And so for us to really start to believe on our own that we can, it starts by taking action to prove it to ourselves, right? It's getting out of bed when it feels really hard, it's stopping and taking a breath so that you don't overreact or you don't yell. It's choosing differently, right? When your ex comes at you, wanting to fight with you about something, and you're like, this just isn't something that I'm willing to fight about, and you make a different direction, or you make a different choice; you say, I'm simply not gonna make this argument with you. When we start to make those choices, when we start to direct the direction that we are headed in, this is forward momentum. And the more you do it, the quicker you get at it, the more practice, the more confidence that you have.

And then there's a tipping point. It's like with Domino's, you know, once one tips, they all do. And so what we have to do is really just keep moving in the direction that we wanna go. And one way I like to think about it is, you don't have to be searching for perfection. It doesn't mean that you have to do everything right? That you don't have to ever make a mistake, that you don't have to say the wrong thing to the other co-parent. Or maybe you say something to your kid and you're like, oh, man, I wish I hadn't done that. We all have those days. We all have those moments, and it's not about not having those moments, it's about what you do next. It's called repair. It's one of the greatest tools in parenting and co-parenting, to be able to say, I just really messed up and I don't like how I feel about what just happened.

And you go back and you rewrite the ending to that story. This is the beauty that we kind of miss in relationships, is that you constantly have the ability to rewrite the ending of any story. If you didn't like the way that that went down, you can go back and change it. It's like even if we yell at our kid, right? And they're feeling completely freaked out, but then we go back and we say, you know what? Mom was really not in a good head space, and I was stressed, and I took it out on you, and that's not okay. And I'm working on not doing that anymore, and I'm sorry. To be able to do that, right? Know it doesn't take away what happened, but it does change the memory for your child and for you. And so why am I talking about this right now?

Because we all need to know that we can make mistakes and that we can repair things, and that we can move forward in the direction, that we don't have to be perfect, we don't have to strive for constant perfection. No, you just have to show up everyday, even when it's hard, even when you make mistakes, you just keep showing up, doing the work, trying to be that sturdy parent. What do I mean by sturdy. Sturdiness, right? It's like a four-legged stool. It doesn't get knocked over easily, right? It's very sturdy, and that's what we want to be for our children. It doesn't mean we don't make mistakes. It doesn't mean that we have all the answers. It doesn't mean that we know exactly what to do. But being sturdy means that you are emotionally regulated as much as possible, that you have the skills to communicate well in a healthy manner.

It means that we have the tools to learn how to repair and start to repair those relationships, right? Conflict isn't the issue. Unresolved conflict or conflict that gets brushed under the rug or ignored, that creates long-term issues versus having conflict and then figuring out how to reconnect and repair after. Sturdiness is really just that awareness of our emotions, of what's going on, of all the aspects, right? True awareness of what's going on in your life. Sturdiness is a lot about learning how to choose responsibility. Again, I know I say it all the time here, but that ability to respond instead of reaction. Sturdiness is really choosing, I am going to live a life of responsibility and try to minimize the reaction, and sturdiness is really about deciding who do I wanna be as a parent? You know, for me and for many of my clients, it's to be the loving, kind, firm, unshakeable parent that we needed.

Listen, we're all flawed and we make mistakes all the time, but we just try to show up as best we can. And so when we're focusing on becoming the sturdiest version of ourselves, the most calm, regulated, grounded, aware version of ourselves, this allows us the ability to start really taking action, to really start making changes and to start showing up differently. And you, my friend, can do this. I know that you can do this. I know it's hard because it is hard, and I know that you can. I believe in you that you can, and I want you to know that you are not alone. You may feel alone. The divorce might feel like it is your whole life, like it is some scarlet letter. It is not. It is a chapter; the separation, the breakup, it is a chapter in your life, and you get to decide what the next chapter is going to be.

You get to author that, not anyone else. We don't wanna wait around letting other people write our story. No, you get to write this story. You get to write exactly what is going to happen. And you do that by really deciding, who do I wanna be? What version of me do I wanna leave behind? What do I want people to feel in my presence? What do I want my children to know and believe about me and think about me? And you know what you do? Then you start being that version of you imperfectly and with mistakes and all of that, but you start taking consistent action, making decisions that support that. You actually ask yourself, I ask myself all the time, what would that version of me do? And then you start to do that, right? And when we start to become aligned and intentional and more purposeful, going in the direction that we want, do you know what happens?

We start moving away from the direction we don't. And this is when shifts really happen. It's not about getting the other co-parent to get on board and to support you and to stop being such a, you know what? That would be great. But instead, let's get you moving in the direction that you wanna go because you are completely capable of doing it. I know that you are. How do I know? Because you're here, because you're listening to this, because you're learning, because you're reaching out for help, because you're doing what you need to be doing. And if you are ready to really step in and start to do more, well, then that's where you go. Allow those feelings, those desires to take you to the next step. Listen, life is just a journey of picking up the breadcrumbs. Once we start to name it, we're like, no, I really want support.

I really want help. You know what happens? Things come into your life. What you need is right here. And maybe today, this message, I'm hoping will help some of you to know that you can do this and you're not alone. And if you need help, I am here for you. I mean, I say all the time, I'm your co-parenting coach. I am. And if you're ready to have more interaction, more support, and more accountability, then all you have to do is send me an email or DM me on Instagram, and I will help you. I will help you figure out exactly what the next step is for you, whether that's working with me, or someone else. There is so much support, and I just want you guys to each have what you need to really move the needle, because each of my clients says the game changer was really stepping in and investing in themselves and saying no more, no more of the just waiting it out.

They believed that they could, and they let me hold that belief for them until they were ready to step into it completely. But it starts with that inkling inside you to know that I can make change, that I believe in you to make change. I believe in you, my friend, and I hope that this day is filled with love. Love for yourself; love for yourself and gratefulness for yourself, for getting you this far, for doing the amazing job that you've done because you have, for being the mom and the dad and the co-parent that you are being, the effort that you're putting in and all of the things you're trying, have a lot of love and gratitude for that part of you, because it's not easy, and you're doing it anyways. So I hope that this gives you a little bit of love and a little extra boost to keep going and keep moving forward, because you can be the most amazing, sturdy parent and co-parent that your children need and that you need. And so as we walk this journey together, I just wanted you to know that I believe in you, that I love you, and that I will be here next week to support you in each week. Have a beautiful day, and I'll talk to you again next week. In the meantime, take really, really good care of you.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.