Ep #88: Being a Good Co-Parent

[music] Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive in to today's episode. [music] Welcome back, friend. I'm really excited to be back here with you. And today, I wanna talk about something that is near and dear to my heart, and I spend a lot of time working on. Frankly, in my own life, because I am a recovering one, but also with so many of the people that I work with, moms and dads. So what is it? It's people pleasing. Well, yes, I admitted it, I am a recovering people pleaser, and somehow I know that I'm not alone in this, because I talk to so many other people pleasers. And we're frankly awesome, amazing, effective, extraordinary humans, but there is a downside to people pleasing. There is a negativity and a stuck-ness that doesn't help us in moming, in co-parenting, in adulting and in any other things. And that's what I wanted to talk about today. But before I dive into that, I do wanna let you know 'cause I always like to keep you updated on what's going on, so it's summer, and my work schedule changes a little bit. I'm adding in a group, there's lots of fun things that I'm doing, but I do have a couple of spots open for one-on-one coaching. And so I wanted to make sure that you knew about that, because while you are 100% capable of making all the changes that you want in your co-parenting relationship, and you have everything available to you, I know from experience that it is a tremendous benefit to have a mentor there helping you. I know that so many of my clients will say to me, just a few sessions in, "Oh my gosh, this has been the greatest gift I've ever given myself, and I look forward to our calls every week," because they feel supported, they feel loved, they feel heard. And it's a place where we can work together because you hold all the answers, but having a mentor and a coach alongside of you helps you get those pulled out of you without having to go through all the trial and error and all of the mistakes. And so it really just kick-starts you getting the relationship you want, and so if that's what you are really wanting and you're ready to commit, and you're ready to really be the influencer and the change maker in your co-parenting and parenting relationships then I want you to use the link in the show notes to set up a call so that we can get you started today. There's only a couple of spots so I wanted you to know about them, and I look forward to talking to you. If you're a mom who knows that you are ready to make this change, if you are ready to really step forward, let go of the past, let go of the limiting beliefs and to stop waiting on your ex to change so that you can feel better. I want you to decide to feel better today because it's available to you, and just like I do with each and every one of my clients, I can help you get there, I guarantee it. So I look forward to hearing from you, but let's dive into the topic today of people-pleasing, but before we get into people pleasing, I wanna talk about something that I see so much right now, and this is the idea of being a "good" mom or a "good" co-parent. And when I say good, I'm using air quotes here. Because there are so many experts telling us what a good mom is, there are so many other people that we're comparing ourselves to to say what a good mom or a good co-parent is, but really this idea is setting us up for a lot of suffering because the whole idea of being a good mom often is an expectation of something that you should be that is different from how you are today. And way too often what we're seeing now, these expectations of what it means to be a good mom are frankly unachievable. There is no one that can be all things to everyone or be everything your child needs at every stage in their life. That is completely unrealistic, unachievable, and sets you up to feel like crap. And we don't want that. What I'd much rather is that we could talk about what's going on so that you can see how you're showing up now, how it's serving you and how it may not be serving you, if you have a little people pleasing in you, like I do, and like many of my clients do. But more importantly, for you to decide what it means to be a good co-parent, what it means to be a good mom, not from an expectation point of view, but from a deep knowing in your bones so that you can move forward everyday being that person. Because when you do, you just feel better, you feel more confident, you feel stronger, you feel calmer, you feel more guided, you feel more grounded. And when you can do all of those things, you know what you end up doing? Being a better mom. So that's what we wanna talk about today, and we're gonna talk about it in relation to people pleasing. So how do you know that you're a people pleaser? Maybe you have a hunch, maybe people have said something to you, maybe you're just really tired and feeling exhausted from trying to control everybody else's opinions and behaviors, maybe you're frustrated because despite your tireless efforts, the other co-parent just will not get on board, will not see you as a good parent. Maybe you wish that you could feel more connected. You do everything for your children, yet you feel disrespected and you feel disconnected from them, and now that you're co-parenting, you get them less time, and so it feels even more urgent. Well, no matter where you are, things can change, but we wanna look at how people pleasing may or may not be affecting you. And so let's start with a working definition. So when I go to the Googles and I ask the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines people pleaser as someone or something that pleases or wants to please people. Okay, harmless, seems like it. Often a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at their own expense. Now here we're getting somewhere. Who doesn't wanna please other people, right? We're wired to please other people. We're wired to be in community with other people, in relationship, so there is a part of us where people-pleasing is a really good idea. We don't wanna be an island saying, oh I don't care about what you want, I'm only gonna please myself. No, that's a narcissist, and that's not somebody that anyone wants to be around. So instead, we wanna look at how people pleasing, and this idea of being a "good mom" or a good co-parent can actually start to pull you under instead of setting you up. So just know that people pleasing isn't a personality trait, it's not a diagnosis. It's not something that is going to hold you back or stop you, but we do have to understand where people pleasing comes from. So basically, why do we people please? Well, in a nutshell, everybody when they're growing up has experiences, people in their lives, events and these things from their childhood leave an imprint on them. And so these imprints or these experiences or these thoughts or beliefs that have been handed to us sometimes when we were a kid, we don't understand them. And so our subconscious kicks in to figure out how can we feel safe in the uncertainty of all these things happening, and the ego will create safety in a number of ways, and people-pleasing is one of them. So basically what it is, is that we become as a child, a people pleaser to feel better, to get people to like us, to love us, right? If you change and someone gives you praise for it, then you learn, oh, okay, if I do what they want, if I am pleasing to them, I get the love and attention that I desire. So as a little kid, we start to do this more and more, and this is how we get love, safety and security sometimes. So there's a lot of complex things going on, and I don't wanna get into all of that at this point, but what I want you to know is that people-pleasing is kind of like a mask that your subconscious puts on to be able to gain control, to feel like it has some control and some sense of safety. It's not a bad thing, but when we wear the mask too long, when we don't grow out of it and evolve into a more independent wise place, this is when people pleasing can actually restrict us. So why might we become a people pleaser as a kid? Well, if there's a lot of yelling in a home, a child might take on the role of pacifier or peacekeeper because they feel like they have more control in the uncontrollable. In a home where conflict is considered a "bad thing" and you should avoid it at all costs, well, then the kid might become a "good girl" or "good boy" to avoid that conflict. If love and affection is only given based on achievement or doing what the other person wants, well, then they're going to learn how to people please to seek the affection that they desire. You can see that all of these things are really just your little version self trying to get the love, the safety and the protection that you desire. And so what we don't wanna do is think of it as a way that is bad or going to be the rest of your life. No, we're just noticing like everything we talk about on these episodes we're just noticing, gaining awareness so that we can change. We have to be aware before we can change. So, not sure if you are a people pleaser. Well, I'm gonna go through a list and I just want you to put a mental check next to the ones that you find yourself doing. Are you quick to agree just to avoid conflict? Do you often feel responsible for how other people feel? Do you apologize a lot? Do you accept fault even when you're not to blame? Do you find it hard to say no? Do you feel burdened by the things you "have to do"? Do you feel extremely uncomfortable when someone else is upset with you? Do you find yourself acting like the people around you just to fit in, even if it's self-destructive? Do you fear anger? Do you not admit when your feelings are hurt? Do you push your needs aside for others? Do you have trouble identifying what you even want or how you feel? Do you give all the time hoping people will reciprocate with the love and the affection that you desire? Do you feel like you're always busy and have no time for yourself? Do you often feel frustrated, resentful or do you become passive aggressive? Well, if you checked marks next to any of these, then it's possible that you have a little people-pleasing tendency. And so again, I wanna talk about the ways that you can start to move through it, because like I said, it's not a diagnosis, it's not a personality trait, it's just something that we can learn how to move through, but before we do that, the biggest thing that I want you to do for yourself right now is give yourself a lot of compassion. Because like I just described, you learned to people please when you were a little, little girl or a little boy. And that's okay, whatever happened in the past is the past, and I'm not sugar-coating it, I'm not asking you to forget it, I'm not asking you to condone it. All we're doing is looking at it with honest, clear vision, so that we can choose how to show up today. We can either continue the patterns that we have from the past, and if you continue those patterns, you continue to get the same results, or you can decide to do something differently. And that's what I wanted to talk about today, because all of these ideas on whether you are a good or not good mom, good or not good co-parent sets us up for expectations and expectations are just resentments waiting to happen, as the wise Brene Brown said. And so instead of waiting to be resentful, we need to manage our expectations and understand and decide on purpose what it means to be a "good co-parent". And what I want you to think about here, I know what I believe is a good mom and a good co-parent, but that doesn't matter for you, what matters for you is what you believe makes you a good mom or a good co-parent, and that is what I want you to get clear on. And part of that is understanding what do we want to be responsible for and what do we not wanna be responsible for? Well, you are responsible 100% of the time for how you think, feel and act. Other people are responsible for how they think, feel and act. So when the other co-parent is upset with you or is telling you all the reasons that you're not a good mom, that is their business, not yours, but as people pleases we take it on as ours. We think, oh, if I could just say it differently, then they would understand, and then they would be helpful, then they would support me, then they wouldn't be such a jerk, but this is giving yourself way too much credit. And when I say that, I mean it's trying to do something that you physically and emotionally do not have the capability of doing. Other people's thoughts, feelings and actions are their responsibility. And so learning how to stop people pleasing is learning how to start taking control for what you have and letting go of the rest, because like I said at the very beginning, we often are people pleasing to try to either avoid or change other people's feelings, thoughts and perspectives. And so instead, we wanna decide, what does it mean to be a good mom? What does it mean to be a good co-parent? And then get really busy doing that and letting go of trying to coerce or manipulate or change other people's opinions, because frankly, it's futile. So as I look around at certainly social media and all of the "parenting experts" out there telling us what it means to be a good parent, they're telling us all the things we have to do from the moment the child is born until they go off to college. And there's things like you have to be breastfeeding a certain amount of time, you have to have all organic, you have to be making the baby food, you have to do attachment styles, you have to do this. You have to make sure that you're not allowing any trauma to happen in your children's life. All of the things, but listen, we screw our kids up, we do because we're human. So I don't think the goal is to never to screw up our kids, it's just to minimize the degree to which we screw them up. Maybe this is uplifting, maybe it isn't, but I think when we're realistic that we understand we're human, we can only do what we can do and start to look at how do I wanna show up? What's really important to me, how do I want my kids to experience the world as children and adults, and how do I focus on that? Because that is learning teaching your children how to be resilient. A huge lesson that our children would get immense value from. Learning how to manage their feelings, learning how to manage the stress of life. Kids these days are under more and more stress because adults are under more and more stress. And so teaching our children how to be resilient and how to manage the stress in life as well as their emotions, this is being a good mom, in my opinion. And so if we focus there, how do you do that? Well, you do it. You be the model for them of what that looks like. Learning how to be resilient, which means not people pleasing. It means learning how to make a mistake, to fall down, to have bad stuff happen, and to get up and to keep moving forward in a loving respectful kind way. That is resilience, that is that level of energy and strength and cooperation that I think we all want our kids to have. And then learning how to manage stress and manage emotions, well, we teach our children how to do this by doing it ourselves. If they see us constantly stressed out, constantly offloading our emotions or having huge, giant reactions and then sweeping it under the rug or blaming other people, that's not really helping them. That's just showing them what not to do, but instead being a "good mom" and "good co-parent" is showing what you do want, how you want them to live their life. And listen, you're not supposed to do it perfectly, you're human, like I said a couple of minutes ago, we're gonna screw up all the time. The best thing that they can see is you screw up, you make a mistake, you own it, you don't offload it, you manage yourself through it, and then you learn and move forward. Right? This is resilience. And this is what I think, being a good mom is. Yes, keeping your kids safe, yes making sure that they have great grades, yes giving them the food that's gonna nourish their bodies. Yes limiting screens and sugar and all of those things, but we get so mired down in those activities, letting that dictate whether we are or are not a good mom, that I think too often what I see is we lose perspective of the big stuff. And so that's why I wanted to talk about people pleasing and as it relates to being a "good mom" or good co-parent, because we've gotta keep the big picture in mind. Parenting and co-parenting is a long game, and so we can get lost. You know, they always say that the days are long and the years are short. It's so true. But we have to keep our eye on the prize. What it is that we truly want for our children, right? That resilience, that strength, that confidence, that ability to manage stress and emotions, if that's true for you. If it is, you use that as your vision of who you wanna be and what it means to be a good mom and then show up each step of every day acting and being a model for that. And what it means to be a good co-parent, I think that looks a lot like having integrity, being cooperative, being respectful, being able to manage conflict in a respectful way. And this, just like being a good mom is modeling it, no matter what the other co-parent is doing, you always have a choice on how you handle your side of the street. And so it really comes down to deciding. And this is one of the first things I do with each and every one of my clients, we create their vision, and then we create the values, so that we'll align their steps, because we have to have that internal GPS to be able to move forward and stay in the direction that we wanna go no matter what comes our way. And Momma, you are so capable of doing this. I know that you are, and I know that if you're listening to this, you're willing to try every step of every day, I know that you're working towards it that. And if there's a way I can support you in this journey, you just say the word. But I really want you to just stop after this podcast for a moment and just try on what does it look like to not people please, to not be as concerned about what other people are thinking and feeling, but really decide what does it mean to you to be a good mom, to be a good co-parent? And maybe just pick one or two things and then focus on doing that, maybe for the next week, maybe just for today, but try it on. If I am focused on being cooperative and having integrity, let that filter each decision of your day and see what may or may not be different. So that's what I have for you today, and I thank you for being here. I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you friend. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]