Ep #116: Becoming You in 2024

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Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

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Welcome back to the podcast. Can you believe that we're at the end of 2023? I can't. I really hate, I just can't. You know and at the end of each year, I'm not much of a resolution person. I'm actually not a resolution person at all. I am, however, a really big proponent and believe very firmly in setting our intentions for the coming year. And that's what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to talk about becoming you in 2024 and really deciding who that is and then creating a plan of action to start to become her. And so, that's what we're gonna do in this episode today. It's a little different from other year-end podcasts that I've done before. You could go back to 64 and 65, where I walk you through an intention-setting ceremony and creating clarity for the new year. So, that's a different practice that you could absolutely go through. But this year, I really wanted to talk about becoming you and the steps to doing that. So, that you can walk into 2024 with a plan of action to really start to embody the version of you that you wanna be.

So, first we have to decide who do you wanna be, right? And I think it's always good to reflect back on the last year, really look at what went well? What were the challenges? What do you wish that had been different? Where were you out of balance? You know looking at different things, and I can walk you through a couple questions here, and also starting to move forward and look forward into 2024. But we're really gonna do this not from a place of resolutions, right? For me, I don't believe in resolutions because I think they're really willpower based. They're kind of mind over matter, really looking at like stopping doing something and/or trying to create a new habit, which is really great. But resolutions to me just aren't overly effective.

So, what I wanna look at is really creating lasting change. And that is all about choosing the energy and focusing on creating the energy and the feelings that you want more of. That is how you create and sustain lasting change. It's really all about learning how to cultivate feelings on purpose. And that's where intentions come in. So, first let's step back and let's look at 2023. And I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions. So, this is one of those podcasts you might wanna stop and start. So, if you're walking or driving, maybe you wanna listen to this later, but you definitely wanna have a pen and paper here 'cause I'm gonna walk you through this.

So, when we think about 2023, or if you're listening to this year's to come, the year that you are just finishing, I want you to describe some of your favorite memories from this year. Really allow yourself to just write down all the different things that come to mind that really gave you joy or happiness or pleasure in 2023. Then I want you to reflect on the biggest challenges you faced and how you navigated or overcame them. Another question is, what was the most valuable lesson you're taking away from 2023? And also take a minute to reflect on a time during the past year when you felt really proud of yourself and describe that in detail. And then the last question is, what do you wanna leave behind? What do you want to intentionally set down and not take with you into the new year?

Actively letting go of something and choosing to move forward in a different direction is a positive thing, right? We don't want to run from something, but we want to walk towards something. And sometimes we have to set down things that are holding us back. So, what are you needing to set down right now? What are you needing to leave here in 2023 and not take with you? If you feel like that's a question that you wanna dive into deeper, I would really encourage you to go back to episode 64 because we do sort of walk through the process of leaving and turning the page on the year that you're ending. But now let's shift gears and look at the coming year.

And I want you to start to just brainstorm, what are your desires for 2024? What are the things that you really wanna have happen or create? And maybe from that list that you were just looking at, you know maybe things you need to set down or challenges that you faced. How are you going to be prioritizing well-being and alignment in this next year? And reflect on the areas of your life that might need more balance. I also want you to think about and reflect on what relationships do you wanna foster and nurture in this next year. And I also want you to think about in those ways that you navigated and overcame challenges last year and were really proud of yourself. How do you want to embrace challenges that will come this year? Because we all know they will. And how do you want to embrace them?

This is leading us into the who do you wanna be? Again, because what we wanna start to look at is really shifting into what is the energy that I wanna hold? What is the feeling that I wanna create? How do I wanna feel on a daily basis in this new year? Because what we're gonna do is now start to walk through the process of creating that. And listen, this isn't like super sexy work or super complicated, but it does require step-by-step action and consistency. That is what creates change and momentum consistency. Just day after day, step after step, continuing in the direction that you want to go. So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna start by really deciding what is that direction.

Sometimes we just know that we don't wanna do whatever we've been doing in 2023, right? It's like I just wanna make that year go away. I'm ready to turn the page. We wanna be careful not to run from that energy, right? That's oftentimes why resolutions cannot be successful because we're just running from what we don't want. Instead of really embracing what is it that I do want and then reverse engineering, what do I need to do to create it, right? It's like any goal. We set the goal, but then we've got to go back and decide what are the steps that I need to take to get there. So, the process that I'm gonna walk you through is adapted from one of my mentors, Heather Chauvin, and her amazing process.

She calls it the '10-minute Habit' or the '60-minute Profit Rule'. She's brilliant, a brilliant coach and business mentor. But what I wanted to do is adapt it here, right? Because it really is deciding who do I wanna be and then reverse engineering how to become her, right? So, first and foremost, we wanna decide what is it that you desire? Maybe when I asked you that question a couple of minutes ago, maybe you knew exactly what you wanted. But maybe if you're like a lot of us, you're like I know I want different, but I'm not quite sure what. So, here's a great way, a prompt that Heather has taught me that is really a great way of deciding what it is that you desire.

I want you to take a blank sheet of paper and set a timer for at least five minutes, if you can do 10 even better. And I want you to finish this sentence over and over and over and over again. And when your brain says that you're done and you don't have any more, you keep going. The sentence is, wouldn't it be nice if... And you just let yourself go through and finish that sentence over and over and over again. Don't judge it. Don't think about it. Don't critique it. Just keep going. Why are we doing this? Because this really helps us start to see what is it that we really, really want. Oftentimes, we're just not even used to asking this question. You know sometimes it might be, wouldn't it be nice if my ex and I didn't fight? Wouldn't it be nice if the other co-parent wasn't such a you-know-what? Wouldn't it be nice if I felt good in my body?

Wouldn't it be nice if I stopped yelling at my kids? Wouldn't it be nice if I knew what I want? Wouldn't it be nice if I had enough time to be organized when my kids came home? So, you get the idea. So go ahead and do that. And then we'll move to step two. Step two is where we start to create and understand what is it the feeling that you're after? Because as we've talked about on this podcast so many times, our feelings are what drive our actions, right? Not so much our thoughts. But our feelings, how we wanna feel is really driving our actions. It's either how we wanna feel or how we don't wanna feel. And we sort of act in accordance with that. So, our feelings are extremely important.

So, when you go back through this list of wouldn't it be nice if, I want you to go back and write down the feeling that you would have if you had that thing. So, for some of the examples, if my ex and I didn't fight, you probably wanna feel calm, right? And connected. If the other co-parent wasn't such a you-know-what, you probably want to just feel supported, right and connected. If you could stop yelling at your kids, again, so you could feel compassion and connected. If you felt really good in your body, right? You might wanna feel alive and healthy. If... Wouldn't it be nice if I had enough time before my kids came home right? You're wanting to feel organized and accomplished or maybe abundant.

So, you can start to go through and see for each of the things you wrote down on your wouldn't it be nice if list, go back and figure out what are the feelings that I would feel if I had that. And then you're simply gonna start to look for common feelings. Like in the ones that I just listed, connected was a big one, right? Alive, healthy, abundant. So, these are all the ways that you can start to decide, well, what is it that I really wanna feel in 2024? You know another way to do this is to get really nitty gritty on who do you wanna be as a co-parent? Maybe you wanna be the kind of co-parent who can sit next to the other co-parent, have a conversation about your kids, laugh, celebrate your kids, go out to dinner together, and then not have any arguments. Okay, that's a beautiful vision.

Maybe right now your experience of co-parenting is the exact opposite of that, where you can't even be in the same room, you can't have a conversation. But we have to start to understand, well, where do I want to go, right? And why do I want that? Well, how would I feel if I was that kind of co-parent, if that's what was happening? And you start to get to the feeling, right? Again, likely you wanna feel calm. You wanna feel connected, empowered, confident, abundant, alive. And this is where you start to decide, well, what are the common sort of one or two feelings that I really wanna have? And listen, they can change. We do this over and over and over again. That's where I started to say before, it's all about consistency.

It's all about attunement, right? Attuning to how you wanna feel and moving forward in that direction. And then when you're not, right? You stop, you assess what's happening, you realign and you keep going. But we do that by using our feelings. So, after you've found that common feeling, now you're gonna go to step three, which is starting to brainstorm some activities that would actually create this feeling, right? So, if your ex and you didn't fight, okay, so you wanna feel connected and calm. How can you create more calm? Or to stop yelling at your kids, you know you wanna feel connected and compassionate. Well, how can you start to create connection and feeling more compassion in advance. Well each one is gonna be very different right and for you you're gonna have to decide what creates that feeling for me but it might start by what are ways that I can feel more connected to myself right?

You know, what are ways that I can actually feel this? For me to be more connected to others, I actually have to start by being more connected to myself. And that requires me spending time creating calm and connection with me first and foremost, because the more that I am connected and present with myself, then I can be that way with other people. So, whether that is 10 minutes in the morning, whether that's meditation, yoga, walks, you get to decide what it is that makes you feel more connected and then actually prioritizing that, right? And that's where step four comes in, where you actually choose the action. You choose one, maybe two things that you're gonna do for at least 10 minutes each day. And you're gonna put that on the calendar to actually create the space for how you wanna feel first and then you keep going with it each day, right?

So, if feeling good in your body is something that you really wanna feel into you know, in a new year because you wanna feel healthy and alive, okay, we have to start to do things that create that feeling of healthiness, aliveness, wellbeing. Maybe that's movement. Maybe that is a workout. Maybe that is healthy eating you know. Maybe that's drinking enough water in the day. It's really just deciding one action and putting that as the priority for your day and you do it at least 10 minutes. Again if you wanna have enough time you wish that you had enough time so that you could feel organized and in control. Well, maybe 10 minutes of your day each day is setting yourself up for the next day, right?

Maybe it's an evening routine of sitting down, deciding what got done, what needs to be done tomorrow, getting all the lunches packed, getting the kids settled, you know really creating that feeling of organization in advance, right? It's like really doing constant favors for your future self. Again, if you wanna feel a certain way, you have to start acting that way now so that you feel it down the road. Again, it's deciding what you want and reverse engineering it and stepping into it now. You see? And it really is that consistency. Again, it's not overly complicated and it's not super sexy, but this is what changes everything. Because it's when you start to really manage how you're feeling, managing your energy creating more and more decisions that move you forward in the direction you go, you get momentum. You start going in that direction more and more and more.

And then you're gonna get a little derailed and that's okay but we stop, we reassess and we align back to where we wanna go. You know last week I talked a lot about self-trust and this is the process of building self-trust, saying you're going to do something and then actually following through with it. And when we allow ourselves just even 10 minutes a day to decide, what do I wanna feel more of this next year? If you wanna feel more empowered, right? As in your co-parenting relationship, right? It might involve first being less reactive, okay? So, if I wanna react less, get triggered less by my ex, get less arguments, get less drama, what do I need to do to start putting myself in that direction today? Does that make sense?

And then you start to choose those actions, commit to them and do them day in and day out. Listen, change doesn't happen overnight. And really, it's being willing to stick with it even when you don't see the changes. Even when you don't see the results, but believing that how you wanna feel matters and how you want the life you wanna create matters and working in that direction every day, this is where the good stuff happens. This is where all the juice is. So, I really wanted to offer you this practice. And if you need any help with it that I'm here. All you have to do is reach out. But I want you to think about what is it that I want for this next year? And go through this process and start to decide what do I want? Why do I want it? Again what is the feeling? What are the actions that I can start taking to create that feeling now?

And then how can I commit to doing those every day, right? And even if it's just 10 minutes, it's only 10 minutes that I'm asking for here. If you can do more, fantastic. But it starts with something, right? Again, if we wanna be more organized, if we wanna feel healthier, it starts with small steps in the right direction. And then those small steps lead to big steps and bigger steps, and then huge jumps. You can do this, my friend. I know you can. And I want 2024 to be the best year of your life. And I promise you, even after divorce, even after separation, even after the drama, it is possible.

And it's possible when you decide to make those changes, when you decide to commit to managing your emotions, to managing your energy and managing your side of the street, taking full responsibility for your part of the co-parenting relationship. We can't control other people, but you absolutely are in control of your experience. And that is what I want you to focus on making the best it can be. So, until next year, I want you to know that I love you. I am grateful for you and take really, really good care of you, friend. I'll see you in 2024.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice.

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Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit coparentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.

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