Ep. 40: Becoming an Influencer in your Co-Parenting Relationship

I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 40, Becoming an Influencer in Your Co-Parenting Relationship. [music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome friend. Thank you for joining me again today. I know there's a gazillion and three things you could be doing, and I'm so grateful that you're here with me, and if you're new to the podcast welcome, I'm so glad that you found us. And speaking of, if you're loving the show and it's been of value to you, I would be so grateful if you would go and rate and review the show over on Apple iTunes. It helps me more than you know, and it helps other women find the support that they need here. And speaking of those reviews, I always love to do a shout out, I'm so appreciative for those of you who take the time to review it, like Dustin Is Always On My Mind is the name of the reviewer. They wrote, "I stumbled upon this as a newly divorced mom trying to navigate co-parenting. I like how it's practical, well thought out and easy to follow." Well, thank you so much for that, Dustin Is Always On My Mind. I really appreciate your thoughts, your time and your five star review. Okay, so let's dive into the show. Today, what I wanna talk about is being an influencer in your co-parenting relationship. We honestly hear so much about influencers on social media, and you might be wondering, "Mikki, what in the heck are you talking about as it relates to co-parenting?" Well, let's back up a minute, the definition of an influencer is a person or a thing that influences another. Also, another definition I found was a person who inspires or guides the actions of others. This is why it how it relates to co-parenting. You know what I hear every day for moms, is so many questions, lots of different variations, but they all have a very similar theme. And that theme is, "What can I do to get the other person, my ex, my co-parent, my kid, to cooperate, to change?" I have a kind of a standard answer. You don't. Why? Because we can't change other people. Period. I know that we would all love to, and we wish desperately that we could, but it just doesn't work that way. I mean, if I could make it work that way, trust me, I would have done it by now, but it just doesn't work. We're fighting against reality, we're fighting against just nature. But here's the bigger issue, when we put all of our focus, energy, attention, time and emotions into trying to change something or someone that we can't, that's outside of us, we're just wasting our own time, energy, money and emotions, because we're trying to control something that isn't ours to control, we're just basically giving away our power by spinning our wheels. So that brings me to what I wanna talk about today. It's what you can control. What can you control? You. And what I mean by that is your thoughts and beliefs, your feelings and your actions. Now, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that I like to really offer tangible ways to incorporate all of these topics into your life, those simple strategies to make a bigger impact, and before I dive in to this any further, I kinda wanna preface it here with something. When we wanna change something, when we wanna change someone, we usually wanna do it right now, we're trying to ease the pain, there's a problem that we really wanna solve, we wanna make that change that creates a huge impact. But often, when we make those changes that create a huge impact, the swift change, it doesn't last, it's really the whole idea behind willpower, willing our way to doing something. You can do it for a short time, but it doesn't last. You can keep it up as long as you can continue to push the energy in one direction, but as soon as you get tired off-balance or off-track, you get thrown down and everything swings back, it's like a pendulum that's swinging in opposite directions. This is the opposite of what we wanna do when we're thinking about building a long-term, healthy, strong co-parenting relationship. To build a strong relationship, it's about the slow, steady build, it's about putting down a foundation that's so rock solid that you can build as tall as you want. This is where I really wanna focus today. This is what I wanna look at as being the influencer, it's like being a caretaker of a garden as we're building it, we wanna reap the rewards of the garden, we wanna have the harvest, but we have to be willing to take the time to create it from the beginning. It's a different approach, it's a long game versus instant gratification, a garden doesn't pop up overnight, it takes time, so we can't really expect our co-parenting relationship or the other co-parent to change overnight either. So let's dive into the influence that we do have and how we can become an influencer. I'm gonna continue on this garden theme because I love it. [chuckle] So the first step when we're getting ready to plant a garden... I was actually using this with a client the other day, and it took me back to when I was a little girl, and I spent a lot of time in my grandfather's garden in Missouri, and usually he'd already done a lot of the work by the time I showed up in the summer when school was out. So I really got to reap the benefits, I got to pull the potatoes out of the ground, I remember picking the tomatoes and we'd have hot tomato sandwiches, they were hot from the sun, and cut it and put it on Wonder Bread with mayonnaise. Might sound disgusting. Super, super delicious. Well, shout out to my pops there who passed away. So the first thing that he did at the beginning of every season, and the first thing that we have to think about here is really cleaning up, preparing the land to be able to have the garden. It's like clearing out all the weeds. You can't control what the other parent is doing, but we absolutely can control what we're doing. What does this have to do with weeds? We have to think about what are we really growing here. If we wanna be growing healthy beautiful plants, we have to be willing to create the soil that is needed for that, to clear out all the weeds, to clear out all the mock and all the nastiness that isn't needed, and really prep the soil. So what does that look like in our life? Well, it looks like being aware, this is where awareness comes in. Again, if you've been listening to this, you're gonna hear themes here that I talk about over and over. An awareness is always the first step, because we can't change anything that we're not aware of. So when we think about clearing out the weeds, really prepping the land for the garden here, it's about understanding what is. What is versus what we wish the situation was. We have to think about what are the thoughts that we're thinking and are they true? Learning to look at what's happening, what we're thinking, what the other person is doing, almost from a state of awareness, from non-judgmental assessment, we're not trying to judge it or blame it, but we're just trying to understand what's going on here. Digging out the truth, so to speak. Also, when we're clearing out all these weeds, when we're doing this process of becoming an influencer and we're clearing out the weeds, we have to be willing to clear out all of those beliefs and uncover those expectations, those limiting beliefs, all of the maybe harmful messaging that we received, that we're still holding on to on some level, and we wanna let those go. But this takes awareness, awareness of what we're thinking, what we're feeling, and being willing to look at it with honesty, with a non-judgmental assessment. And so that's what the first step really is. The second step is really about starting to grow and start to plant everything that we want to reap in the harvest. And so this is going to look like taking aligned action. On this podcast, we talk a lot about aligned action, this is what I work with my clients a lot on, is so we have the awareness, we understand what we're thinking and feeling, but what is the aligned action to get us towards what we want, that version of us that we wanna be, the relationship that we want to have, not doing things we don't wanna be doing anymore. So this is what that looks like. It's really taking that aligned action. So that's the next step after we've cleaned out the mess of what's going on on our side of the co-parenting street, on this side of the garden. Now we're gonna start to plant the seeds, we're gonna prep the soil, we're gonna pull the little lines, we're gonna put the seeds in there, we're gonna cover it up, and this is all the action that we're doing. So what does that look like in practical terms? Well, the first part is really, now that we have some awareness around what we're thinking or feeling, we also have to start to take responsibility. What does that look like? It's taking responsibility for what is mine to clean up, it's looking at what's going on if it's an argument or a conflict, understanding what's mine, what's within my control. What do I have control over? My thoughts, my feelings and my actions. And then what is theirs and really handing back any responsibility. I know for a lot of moms that I work with, and I know, I certainly know this in my own life, people pleasing is a huge thing that we do. We just want everyone to be happy, we wanna try to make conflict go away, and so we end up in people-pleasing actions that are really trying to take on someone else's responsibility for them, just so that we don't have to have the discomfort of it. Totally normal, we all do this, but the more aware we are of when we are doing it, we can kind of accept, "This isn't mine to clean up, I'm gonna hand it back and I'm gonna focus on what is mine to clean up." This is where boundaries come in, this is where self-love comes in, but taking those aligned actions are really sort of being more and more aware about that. I just mentioned self-love, and that is certainly something that we all hear on Instagram and all over, you just have to love yourself, but often times... And I think I did an entire podcast about this, but what does it even look like? Well, to me, self-love looks like doing things that fill your soul up, doing things that replenish and refuel you, and so that's those aligned actions, it's almost not doing what depletes you, but stepping towards what is more fulfilling, these are the aligned actions that plant the seeds of beautiful things that will grow later. Another thing that we need to think about when we're prepping the soil, when we're planting the seeds, what are those non-negotiable practices that I'm gonna do for myself that keep me healthy? And I talk about this in other episodes, and I'm actually gonna talk about it on a future episode, but those non-negotiables are the things that you need to keep yourself healthy, and this is part of that aligned action plan. It might look like having meditation in the morning, it might look like stillness, it might look like drinking water, it might look like having five minutes to yourself, it might look like walking in nature, any of these things that really fuel and fill you up and are prepping you for blooming and blossoming in the future, these are things we wanna do now, because as an influencer, we have to be taking care of ourselves, we have to be doing those things that help us show up in the best way possible. Okay. So now we've got some awareness, we've been clearing out the weeds, getting everything cleaned up, and then we're gonna start planting some seeds, that's the acceptance of the awareness that we have, taking responsibility for what's ours, creating those non-negotiable practices that keep you healthy. Really those prepping the planting of the seeds. The next step in this whole process is the waiting. If you think about it, it's, "What am I doing when I can't see the change that I want?" How often does that happen, is you're like, "I made all the changes, I did everything I was supposed to do and they're still acting a fool over there on their side of the garden," whether it's our kids or your ex or whatever it is, you're not seeing the results right away. And so oftentimes what happens is we think, "Well, okay, well, it's not working." And then we revert back, we revert back to the way that we were acting before to lashing out, to creating more of a mess, to trying to change things all together in a different direction, sometimes we're in a period... And this is the waiting period. If we think about it, is all the seasons. We've cleaned everything up, we've planted the seeds, but before we can get to the harvest, we actually have to wait, and this is where it takes faith and patience and groundedness, it takes commitment to continue doing what you're doing. Even when you don't see the results, it's continuing to believe that I might not be changing huge things at the moment, but at least I'm not adding to the mess and you learn to add and subtract as you go, but all from a place of groundedness, all from a place of, "I planted these seeds and I'm going to stay with it until I see a result, until I start to see something bloom." Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it waits a little bit, but you think about it, we plant the scenes, we have to wait until that little stem pops up out of the ground, and then we know it's growing. So again, it's keeping doing the things to keep your side of the street clean, adding what you need to add in, subtracting what you know you need to add out, but it's really about just waiting patiently with faith and with groundedness, that if you're showing up in a way that feels true for you, that is loving, that is honest, that is aware that you're taking aligned action towards a goal that you believe is the right thing, then we have to be willing to wait a little bit. Wait until we start to see signs that we're going in the right direction or signs to shift a little bit, but we can't just totally negate it because we don't see it right away, and this leads to the last. This is when the harvest comes, when we do start to see those little signs of life, when we do start to see those little shifts, maybe co-parenting becomes a little bit easier, maybe there's just a little less conflict, maybe things are getting easier for your kids when they're over with the other parent, maybe you're noticing little signs, those are the seedlings, and we keep watering them. Being an influencer is really deciding who you want to be, and then back filling that with all of the actions, all of the decisions that you need to support it. It's really deciding and designing what is the garden that I want to look like, and then doing all of the things that you need to do to plant it. Cleaning up your side, becoming more aware of what's happening, not continuing to add to the mess or grow the weeds. If we don't want the weeds, we have to stop watering them. If we don't want the negative behavior, if we don't want the conflict, we have to stop giving in, we have to stop engaging in it, we have to stop giving it water. Wherever our attention goes, our energy flows, and so we have to start to really shift into, "Okay, I'm going to focus on what is my responsibility, and I'm not gonna focus on what isn't," so that all of my focus can go there, so I can clean that up, I can plant those seeds and I can give that all the love and care and attention, so that more results come from there than anywhere else. This isn't just stuff that I talk about here on my podcast, I do this work each and every day in my own life with my own family and my own relationships, and with each and every one of my clients, and it's not easy. Let me tell you, I water the weeds sometimes, [laughter] I create a huge, giant mess, and then I turn around and I'm like, "Oh man. Did that again, right?" We all make our mistakes and we continue to make them, and that's totally fine. That is how we learn. We learn from the mistakes, we learn from the failures. But in order for you to be the more confident, grounded, at ease, in your role as mom and co-parent, it requires you to commit to you, for you to really put the time and the care and the attention into the garden that you are growing, to give yourself permission to invest the time and the energy and the money and the effort into you, you are the only one who's gonna change your life, and you are a bigger influencer than you could ever ever imagine. It starts with doing this work, and it starts with getting really comfortable with the uncomfortable to know and accept and to love yourself so that you can stay so grounded even when the storm comes and you stay on course, even when it feels like you're not making any progress. You learn to trust that when you are showing up for yourself, when you're doing work that feels good, the change is happening, you are worthy of the most amazing abundant life. And I know sometimes it feels so hard to believe that about yourself or your life or your circumstances, and I understand that when you're co-parenting with someone who just appears to want conflict or no communication at all, that it can feel so, so isolating. I know that you are worthy of the most amazing relationship and that you have the power and the influence to create it. And I'm gonna hold this belief for you as long as you need me to until you're ready to carry it for yourself. You are not alone, and I am here to be your coach, your mentor, your biggest cheerleader as you grow and expand and heal, and if you want help on how to apply this directly to your life, then let's talk about how my coaching program could be the perfect fit for you. Just click the link in the show notes and book your clarity call today, and we will help you figure out if this is the right next step for you. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week. [music]