Ep #79: Balance vs Alignment

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Welcome back, friend. I'm excited to be with you here today. So I'm wondering, do you feel like you're trying to balance sort of everything that's going on in life? Maybe you are recently divorced and you're trying to balance all the things that you always did, but now you have new things and you're doing it all alone. Do you feel like you're trying to balance everything, everybody's schedules, all the things, but you just can't keep up? It's almost like you're one of those plate spinners in the circus. And if one thing drops, they're all gonna come down. If you felt any of these ways, stay tuned because this episode is for you. Before we dive into the topic, I just wanna thank you for being here with me. I do this podcast because I love being here to support you. So if there's a topic you wanna hear about or a question that you have, please let me know so that I can address it here. And please hit the follow button so that you never miss any of the new episodes. And lastly, if you're getting value from this and you know someone else who would, I would be so grateful if you would share it. It is a little lifeblood for podcasters when you rate and review the show and follow it and share it. It's how we spread the love. And so if you do that for me today, I would be so appreciative. But let's dive into today's topic. What we're really talking about is balance and alignment. And what I mean by that is so often we hear about balance. We just need to keep everything in balance. If we have a balanced life, everything will be easier. But this word balance has never been one that resonates with me, and I think actually creates more stress, more rigidity, and more conflict in our lives. So that's why I wanted to talk about it here today. So often the women that I talk to are trying to "balance all the things in their life." And a lot of these things that they're balancing may have been what their life used to look like before divorce and what it looks like today. And so with every season in life, with every new chapter, we have to reassess what's going on so that we can really start to live what I believe is more important, which is in alignment. And I'll go into that more in a minute. So what is balance versus alignment? Well, balance feels like all the things you should be doing, or there's a perfect way to balance all of the things. It's like a teeter-totter. If you can just keep it level, right, it won't tip off in one direction. So it's really like a verb, and it keeps you in constant motion, in constant flocks and constantly reacting to life. It's trying to do all of the things without dropping anything. It really looks like adding whatever everyone else's needs are sometimes at the sacrifice of your own expense. And it often feels like if we're trying to balance everything, something's always gonna be left out, right? That it's impossible to do everything. And that's true. We can't do everything. We're just humans. We're all imperfect and trying and doing the best that we can. So what is alignment then? Well, the way that I define alignment, it is really in flow of what you want and what you desire. It's fulfilling your needs and showing up in a way that is true and honest and in integrity. It's allowing for progress versus perfection. So how do we become more aligned versus balance? Well, I'm gonna talk about a couple ways here today, but before we can do that, I believe for us to be aligned, we have to know what are we aligned with. And that's your why. This is the first thing that I do with each of my clients is create their why. I want you to think of it as your lighthouse. It's that thing that you're always working towards. It's that desire, that big picture. What do you truly want in life? And that serves as a compass. Again, as a lighthouse. You might not know exactly how to do it, but we can always stay sort of in that general direction. And to me, that's alignment. So how do we know what our why is? Well, you might already know, and if you do, fantastic, but if you don't and you're feeling like, Mikki, I don't even really know where to start. Well, I want you to take out a pen and paper, and I want you to just answer this question. Set a timer for 10 minutes and don't let yourself stop writing. I just want you to answer this question over and over and over. Wouldn't it be nice if... Okay. Now that I said it, that wasn't a question, was it ? So more of a journal prompt. But I want you to answer, wouldn't it be nice if... Just let whatever comes out, come out. Listen, this might not be life shattering information, but I guarantee you, you are gonna find little nuggets of truth and little nuggets that resonate with you that you know are your lighthouse. So that's the first thing. Once you get all of those things down, that wouldn't it be nice if, I want you to go back and start to circle some themes that you see, or the things that really resonate with you that you're like, yep, that really is it. Then I want you to also answer these questions. What do you want people to feel when they're in your presence? Right? When they walk away, what do you want them to have experienced with you? What kind of mom do you wanna be? What is important to you? How do you wanna show up for your children? And what kind of co-parent do you wanna be? Like really big picture. Who do you wanna be? And this isn't who do you want the other person to be, but it's who do you wanna be. And if you were that mom and that co-parent, and you were that version that people felt that all the things you wanted when you were in their presence, how would that make you feel? This is the why. You're going to use these feelings and these ideals, and you're gonna write them down, and this is going to be your big picture why. And that why is what we are going to align with. That is the direction that we are gonna head. Now, I said at the top of this show that sometimes when there's a new chapter or a new season or things change, we have to be willing to reassess everything. And this is often something that we skip over because we're just moving so fast that we just wanna keep going, right? I know that after my divorce, the one thing I just wanted to do was keep moving forward, keep proving that I was okay, not slowing down, not stopping. In that not stopping, I didn't allow myself to stop and reassess. Where am I now? What are my values? What are my priorities today? And how do I wanna show up? Instead, I just kept adding more and more and more to my plate until I burned out. And I don't want this for you. So wherever you are in this stage or this season of your life, I want you to take some time to slow down to decide, what is it that I truly want? What is the priority? And I'm gonna walk you through a simple way to do that. So the first starts with a brain dump. And what is that? A brain dump is really just meant to eliminate all the overwhelm that comes in our head. So often we're just so stuck in full because our mind is so cluttered and we have to get some clarity so that we know what we're doing. So that's what a brain dump does. So you just have a blank sheet of paper and you write down all the things that you think you have to do, should do, want to do, need to do, all of the things. And it might help to put them in different segments, right? The different segments of your life. Like when I do this, I have to look at what do I have to do or want to do or should do or need to do for myself, for my kids, as a co-parent, for work, for my home, and for money. So I broke it down into those six, and maybe there's even another category. But you just allow yourself to fill up space. Everything that you have to do, get it out of your head and onto paper. When we do this, we can start to get more clear. Some things actually we don't need to do or want to do, or it's maybe something we "should do" but it doesn't matter to us, so we can just scratch that off the list. And this helps us get down to what actually is important. The second step is then to start to prioritize. What is it that matters to you? And this is where that why comes in. We have to start to look at what is our big picture why and how do we wanna feel each and every day. Based on that, you start to prioritize. So you are gonna list from one to six. If you had six things, self, kids, co-parent, money, work, home, whatever it is for you, and you rank them based on what is most important. When you do this, you're going to start to see how bad you wanna change based on what is your priority. So this is where there's a difference between balance and alignment, because balance feels like we have to do all of the things. And so it's trying to figure out the perfect recipe to not let them all fall. Versus what I'm talking about is figuring out what are you aligned to do right now. When we are looking in alignment, some things are gonna have to fall off the list or not be as important right now, but maybe we come back to them later. So it's really looking at it with a more honest perspective for yourself, learning how to flow with what's important, but not having to be perfect, not having to do all the things. Being able to let go of what other people think we should be doing. Really, it looks like reevaluating our expectations and deciding what is important to you. This is alignment versus balance. So once you've gotten all those things out on paper and you've prioritized for right now what's most important, then you start to determine what aligned action you are gonna take. This aligned action is something that I work with my clients on, right? I've talked on this show before about we have to be aware. That's where that brain dump is coming in. Aware of what's true, what's reality, what has to happen. Then we start to make choices, right? What is important? What is aligned with that big picture why? And that's going to help us decide what has to be addressed versus doesn't. And then the aligned action is the actions that you are gonna take to reduce the stress and create alignment with how you want to feel. Notice this isn't alignment to do all the things for all the people, but it's really based on your priorities and what matters to you. How are you going to choose to move forward? And there's gonna be obstacles. Listen, I get it more than anyone, right? There's obstacles in our way, whether that's a kid that's struggling, whether that's a co-parent that's creating conflict, there's always going to be an obstacle. But when we're looking at alignment, right? We don't see that as something that's gonna tip over all the plates and we're gonna drop them all. Versus what do I need to do to move around it, to move through it, to understand that it's there. I might not be able to change it, but I have choice on how I handle it, how I experience it, and how I show up. That's where alignment really comes in. So when we determine an obstacle, right? Whether it's a difficult ex, whether it's a child who's struggling at the moment, maybe it's children not being able to get out of bed and to school on time. We can start to see these things not as obstacles that are gonna take us down and mess with our balance, but more how are we going to show up in alignment with who we wanna be, how we wanna run our home, and how we wanna move forward, right? What is it that we want our children to feel in our presence? And those are the questions that we start to answer so that we can show up in a different way. Listen, if you want a different life, a more aligned life, more ease, more confidence, you have to be willing to be different. And what does that being look like? I always define it as being is thinking, feeling, and acting. Right? If we want a different life, we have to be willing to think, feel, and act differently. So now I wanna give you a couple of ideas now that we've talked through all of that on what alignment could look like. Well, alignment looks like really choosing to live the life that you wanna be living today. Maybe not in every single way. Maybe we don't get the dream house today. Maybe you don't get the perfect partner that you want or any of those things, but how can you start to create moments and micro moments that are aligned with what you truly desire? Well, that starts with choosing to make time for yourself. This is so important. So many moms that I work with when we first start working together tell me all the reasons why they can't do something, why they can't care for themselves. There's not enough time, there's not enough money, there's not enough support, right? Have you ever felt that way? I know that I have. But those are excuses. And really what it's about is valuing you, letting yourself matter enough that you're willing to show up. I promise you, friend, you are deserving of a life that is aligned, that is full of joy, that is full of ease and is not stressful and full of conflict. And part of it is you choosing to be the change that you want to get closer to that. If you want more fun in your life, maybe more joy, how are you creating it on purpose each and every day? Oftentimes, we don't prioritize fun and joy at all, right? We're prioritizing all the things that have to happen. But what if you really prioritized moments of joy, moments of lightness? It could be as simple as if it's raining, like it's raining right now, going and jumping in some puddles with your kids. Listen, I love a good puddle jump. It seems silly, seems pointless. Oh, I'm just gonna get all wet. Yeah, and I'm gonna have a ton of fun while I do it. Maybe if connection is something that I really value, I know for me, connection is something that I truly value with all the people in my life. And most importantly, my son. One of the things I teach my clients is prioritizing connection. So what does that look like? It looks like saying each and every day, I'm gonna find 10, 15, maybe 20 minutes to connect. And what does that look like? Well, connection looks like maybe sitting down and saying, for the next 10 minutes, I'm not gonna have my phone on me and I'm gonna do whatever it is that you wanna do. Right? When he was little, this was playing action figures or Legos. Sometimes it's a puzzle, sometimes it's painting, sometimes it's playing Xbox. Not my favorite, but I do it. Right? It's not judging or asking to do something else, but it's just being present with them where they're at and what they're enjoying. And you're just there to observe, just there to connect and to show them that you love them by your sheer presence, not your words, but just by you being there. So if connection is something that you really value and want more of, we've gotta create the time to do it. And I guarantee you, you can find 10, 15, 20 minutes for each child when you prioritize that time. The other thing we have to be willing to do is prioritizing your health and your wellbeing. This is the first thing that many moms don't do for themselves, and it is a game changer. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna describe two different days to you, and I want you to pick out what is the difference in each day. Okay. So day one, you wake up, you're exhausted, you stayed up too late last night, you knew that you should have gone to bed, but you wake up, you hit the snooze button a few times, you're scrambling to get up and get dressed. You're telling the kids to get up, but they wake up grumpy and they're arguing and they don't wanna do anything, and you're trying to still get ready and you're trying to figure out where the shoes are and grab something quick for breakfast before you head out the door. You drop them off maybe a couple minutes late as you're rushing and yelling to them to get out of the car and hurry up and get in. Then you're on your way to work and you're stuck in traffic. Ugh, the traffic, it's always there to get you, and you're frustrated and you're honking your horn. You're thinking of all the things you're missing out on. So then you rush into the office and you're behind the eight ball. You've got so much to do and you're already late, you're already behind. So you skip your lunch and you work right through. Then in the middle of the afternoon, your ex texts you about switching days. Oh, you're so frustrated because he is always making everything that much harder. So you get frustrated with him. Why does he have to do this right now? It turns into a huge argument. You slam down the phone because you're late to go get the kids. So you scramble and you get in the car and you run to get them. Kids are still arguing, still in grumpy attitudes. So you get home, you don't have anything ready for dinner. So now you're rushing to put something together and it's like the whole evening you're constantly playing catch up. You can't get ahead. You're so exhausted that you end up just turning on Netflix, vegging out. You fall asleep in front of the TV or maybe really, really late, and you fall asleep and end your day. That was day one. Now I want you to look at day two. You've set your alarm to wake up 10 minutes early, you get dressed, you go in and you have 10 minutes of quiet time. You go into the kitchen and you get your morning coffee, and you sit down and you read for 10 minutes. Or maybe you meditate. Then you go in, tell the kids it's time to get up. They're grumpy. Ugh. Sometimes they wake up on the wrong side of the bed, but you tell them, breakfast is in the kitchen, we gotta get going. You get everybody out the door. They're a little grumpy. But you're able to get every, all the shoes organized, all the backpacks, get everybody in the car and you drop them off and send them off with a big hug and then go by. Traffic's slow, right? Of course there's a traffic jam 'cause there's already so many people. But this is a great time to put on my favorite podcast and listen to a positive message. It's a really busy day at work. You're feeling like there's so many things to do, but you really need a break. You just need some time for yourself. So instead of working through lunch, you decide to take a 10 minute walk break outside. So your ex texts about switching weekends. This isn't something that you can deal with right now, making your brain spin. So instead, you text back and you say, Hey, I'm in the middle of stuff. Let me call you later and we'll talk about this. You head out to get the kids, but you know you're running a little bit behind. That's okay. You order something for pickup on the way home for dinner. You all get home, you have some dinner. The kids get to their chores, and then they do their homework because after that, they can have their free time. After everything's cleaned up and they've helped you, you connect with each one of them for a few minutes because connection is really important. And then you finish up putting everything together in the kitchen so that it's clean and ready for the next morning. You make sure everybody's things are by the back door ready to go out, and it's lights out by 10 o'clock because you're gonna wake up early tomorrow and you need those few minutes extra sleep. So those are our two different days. Tell me what's different. Well, what was different was the mindset. What was different is that you had made decisions on how you wanted to feel during the day. Capable, at ease, aligned, ready. And so everything was done in support of that. From waking up a little bit early to getting things organized for the next morning to going with the flow and choosing to support yourself even when it didn't look the way that you thought it should. This is what alignment looks like. And it's based on choices, it's based on decisions that you make. Now, I'm not saying it's easy or perfect, and it's not that being aligned is gonna make everything go easy and not let you have any difficult situations. No. But what it is gonna do is allow you to handle those situations in those stressful moments differently. And again, if we wanna have a different life, we have to be willing to be different. And be means that we think differently, we feel differently, and we act differently. And it all starts with deciding, do I wanna be balanced, balancing all the shoulds, the expectations, all of the stuff, or do we wanna be aligned? Meaning, what matters to me? What am I prioritizing? That's the difference. It's accepting everything and balancing everything that everybody else wants you to, or you deciding to be aligned with what truly matters to you. Because my friend, you get the choice. It is a hundred percent up to you. Listen, we live in a society that's telling you it's not, and that you have all the things that you have to do, and you look at social media of what everyone else is doing, and I should be able to do that too, or I should have that. But the truth of the matter is you get to decide. It is always up to you and what are you gonna choose. What I hope for you is that you choose alignment. Now, if you need help with this, I get it. I needed help with this and this is what I help with my clients every day. But I created a workshop really learning how to de-stress your co-parenting relationship. And it looks a lot like learning how to align with what you want. So if you want help with this, I wanna invite you to this workshop on April 24th. There's a link in the show notes for you to grab your spot today. But I wanna see you there and I'm gonna help you align your life so that you reduce the stress and learn to increase the joy, the confidence, and the capability. That's the show for today. Thank you so much for spending time with me. I'll see you next week. And in the meantime, friend, take really, really good care of you. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.