Ep #84: Are the Kids Going to Be OK?

[music] Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Welcome back, friend. I'm really excited to be here with you today. And if you ever have that question in the back of your mind, or maybe it's actually in the forefront of your mind and probably in the middle of the night when you just can't sleep of, are my kids gonna be okay? Is everything gonna be all right? I hear you. I've been there so many times and this is a question I get over and over and over from new clients and moms that reach out who are really, really wanting help and support to make sure that their kids are okay. And so if you've ever had this question, I just wanted to make this short podcast for you today. Before we get into the episode, I do wanna tell you about something, and I'm not gonna tell you a lot because I'm in the middle of sort of cooking up a new idea. And if there's one thing I hear over and over, it is, I just wanna figure out how I can make a change, how I can figure out how to make things better in my life for my kids, for my family. And here's the thing, friend. You have every opportunity and everything within you to be the change maker that you need. And so often we just need some help. We just need to know the steps to do it. We just need to be supported along the way. So if this feels like you, if you have been wishing that there was an instruction manual, if there was a guide, if there was someone to take your hand and say, "Hey, we're gonna go here, here and here, and it is going to make massive positive change in your life," I want you to DM me over on Instagram and tell me that you are ready to be a change maker. And I will give you the details of what's coming. I'm gonna talk more about this in the future, but I just wanted to throw it out here today 'cause if you're like, yes, I don't even know what it is, but yes, I'm ready, DM me, 'cause we're gonna jump in soon. So I wanted to talk today about are the kids gonna be okay? And I think if one thing I hear more than anything, kids are resilient, kids are gonna be totally fine. And yes, this is 100% true. Humans are resilient. We are amazing creatures. What we can go through and keep on going and thrive after it's extraordinary. And to be able to be that level of resilient, to be able to move forward, to be able to sort of absorb the things that have happened, learn from them and grow, we have to be in a place where we feel safe and loved. And some of us do this as adults later in life. If we wanna give our kids every opportunity to have extraordinary lives to thrive and to feel good in the body, in the mind that they have, well my friend, you are able to help them with it. But we have to do that by creating a safe and loving space for them. So while kids are resilient and they can be okay and they will be okay after divorce, a lot of it really depends on you. And here's what I mean. They need someone to support them, to guide them, to care for them. And so if you are not doing that for yourself, how are you going to do that for them? How are you going to be the example for them? How are you going to give them what they need if you're not able to do it yourself? And so for our kids to be okay, the best opportunity we can give them is for you to be okay. And I'm gonna dive into what this means a little bit because it's different for everyone. But most importantly, divorce is hard. There's usually a lot going on, there's a lot of fear, there's a lot of trauma, there's a lot of pain, there's a lot of grief, there's a lot of anger, there's a lot of emotion. And we cannot just flip a switch and say, "Okay, well that's done," and move on. It's just not how the world works. So I wanna talk today about just a couple of ideas of how you can really help yourself be okay, because when you're okay, you give your kids the opportunity to be okay. So what does that even look like? Well, it's partly the way that you're thinking, the way that you're feeling and the way that you're caring for yourself. First and foremost, it can be so easy to slip into a victim mentality after divorce, to get into a pity party, to get into the woe is me. And listen, we all go there. It all happens and it's totally fine. What we don't wanna do is set up camp and live there. And what I mean is we don't wanna live in the victimhood. Listen, the past happened. It did. Your past is what it is. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood, the marriage, the divorce, it all happened. I'm not asking you to discount it, I'm not asking you to ignore it, and I'm not asking you to sugarcoat it. But what we do have to do is start to look at it and say, "Okay, this happened, right? I can't change the past but I absolutely can change how I wanna move forward." And that includes starting to decide today how you wanna feel. If you don't like how you're feeling now, then we have to look for ways to shift that. And it is possible to do this. You don't have to wait for your world to change. You don't have to wait for the other co-parent to become more helpful or patient or nice or kind or less angry. None of that. You don't have to wait for your kids to fall apart or to be okay for you to be okay. I know that it is hard to watch our children struggle. I truly, truly do. I'm the mom right now of a teenager. There's struggle, right? And it's okay because that's part of life. But he doesn't need me to struggle with him. No. He needs me to be okay and to remind him that he can be okay. He needs me to know and learn and figure out if I don't know the tools and skills and resources to help, right? I can't do it for him, but I absolutely can go alongside of him. And this is the way that I offer perspective for my clients. And I wanna offer the perspective for you. It is not your job to make your kids okay. It's not. It's your job to love them regardless of where they are. And to be an example and a guide and a mentor. It's the idea of walking next to them versus in front of them or behind them. They are their own little humans with their own little experience. And if we always project our feelings onto them, we're sort of negating and missing the point here. Our job is really to walk with them, to guide them through the struggle, to love them through the struggle, to care for them through the struggle. The struggle is going to happen because life happens. They just simply need you to be okay, to not try to change or fix or resist or battle, but really be present to where they are, what they're feeling, and help walk them through it. That is how your kids are okay. But in order for you to be able to do that, my friend, this is where for sure I think conscious parenting comes in... Conscious co-parenting comes in. And what that means is you are simply aware of what's going on, aware of what you're doing and why you're doing it, even when that awareness comes way after the fact or right after the fact. And so learning how to walk through life on in a conscious awake way is part of this journey. If you wanna learn more about conscious co-parenting, please go to my website and you can sign up for the very short, simple, simplified version of the steps of conscious co-parenting that I lay out in the masterclass. I'll put the link in the show notes because it's a really good way to just sort of get an overview of does this resonate? Does this feel good for me? Because again, going back to how you're feeling, we wanna start choosing on purpose how we wanna feel, and learning how to do that. When you learn how to do that and you learn how to feel on purpose, good, negative, whatever it is, you offer that skill then to your kids, right? And this is resilience, this is adulting. So go ahead and go to the masterclass and take that if you're interested in conscious co-parenting. But let's get back to really, are the kids gonna be okay? And how can we help them build that resistance, give them that support and guidance and care that they need? So we really wanna stay out of that victimhood. Why? Because victimhood is agreeing with the story that you have no control. And that is a lie. You do have control, not over other people, not over your children, not over your past. You have control over you. And the experience and the life that you're having is a direct result of how you're thinking and feeling and acting, and you have control over that. But when we tell ourselves that we're a victim, we sort of handcuff ourselves, right? We shoot ourself in the foot before the game even gets going. And so that's why it's so important to start to look at how do I wanna feel today? And start choosing that on purpose. A simple way to do this is start to look at what you say to yourself every day, right? So many of us attach to this, I am, I am this, I am that. I feel this. I'm doing that, right? It's this, I am. Whatever comes after the I am is telling you what you're committing to. So if you are constantly telling yourself, I'm not enough, I am unworthy, I'm not loved, I am overweight, I am this, I am never gonna get anywhere again, I am a bad mom. Any of those things, you're setting that energy out in the world. And so we have to start by just checking ourselves, right? Noticing what comes after the I am and gently starting to shift that. Again, I'm not talking about toxic positivity negating or ignoring what's going on, but it is really starting to look at what I'm I telling myself? How I'm I talking to myself each day? Because how you talk to yourself in turn is how you talk to others. So when we're constantly cutting ourselves down or keeping ourselves in victimhood, right? It's not kind. It's not kind and loving to you, it's not supportive, it's not respectful, any of those things. So when you notice an I am that you don't like, how can you shift it, right? If there's, I am a bad mom or I am hurting my children, how can we turn that around? It might start by, I'm trying, I am focusing on doing a better job. I am learning how to do this, or I haven't figured it out yet, but I will. Whatever it is, whatever that story is for you, I want you just to offer yourself some compassion and some ease around it. And how can you start to switch whatever comes after I am to be more in support of you, right? And remember, would you talk to your children the way that you talk to yourself in your head? No. [chuckle] We all have such a negative voice in our heads. It's just the way we are as humans, right? It's not a big deal. We're not gonna beat ourselves up about it, but we can decide if we like it or not. And I'm not asking you to go to I love myself and I'm amazing and all of those things. [chuckle] No, but being kind and saying, "Ugh, I'm figuring it out. I'm trying my best. I'm doing what I can in this moment." That softness and ease will move you forward 10 steps versus the other voice will just keep you stuck. And the last thing I wanna say sort of about this idea of are the kids gonna be okay? And again, their best chance is to watch you be okay, and you have to address all of you, right? Not just the version that you put on Instagram, not just the way that you act in front of the kids, not just the way that you suggest to everyone is how you're doing, but truly taking care of yourself, your physical health, your emotional and spiritual health, and your mental health. We are basically these three parts of us. You have your soul who is inhabiting this body, right? Your body is not you, it is just the vehicle that you're living in. It's the animal that you're experiencing this life in. And so how are you caring for that animal on a daily basis? And this isn't big stuff, guys. I'm not telling you that you have to go run a marathon or do anything huge. It's just really looking at how am I caring for myself? How am I starting my mornings? Am I rushed? Am I frazzled? Am I barely getting out of bed before I'm at a complete dead run? Am I fueling myself on caffeine to just keep going? All of these questions will point you to what do I need to focus on? Many times it is starting our day with quiet and with intention. It's getting exercise every day, right? Your animal body, it needs exercise. And listen, I just went through a huge accident last year and my mobility was significantly restricted. And so I definitely found a new appreciation for what exercise means in my life. And it's not always, you know, gym and CrossFit and doing all these intense workouts. Sometimes it's just committing to walking for 10 minutes a day. The most annoying thing about walking in nature is that it works every single time. You feel better every time, even if it's five or 10 minutes, you feel better because you're out connecting with the world, with the energy outside. So how are you making sure that you are getting exercise, that you're fueling your body with good food? You know, are you putting good stuff in to get good stuff out, right? Are you showering? Are you caring for yourself? Are you getting yourself dressed and making your bed? These are really simple little things. Drinking enough water, that is a huge one. Just looking at each of those, just looking at your own physical health can make profound impacts on people. I do have a minimum baseline that I've helped people create to figure out how can I feel better each day? And I will put that in the show notes too, because really just looking at how can I start to build a routine that supports me in my mind, body and soul is so important. And so I'll put that in the show notes for you. But your mental health, right? Your spiritual health, how are you taking good care of you? And it begins, again, by taking that minimum baseline, deciding I'm going to commit to doing X, Y and Z for myself. It doesn't have to be big. These are little things, but supporting yourself, going easy on yourself, giving yourself some grace. And then really looking at the mental health. What do I need? What resources do I need? What support do I need? What help do I need? And making sure that you have the tools and the skills to be able to be resilient, to be able to be the example to your children of what it looks like to be a wife, an ex-wife, a mom, a co-parent, a human, a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend. All of these roles that we play, you are their example. And so who are you being for them today? If not for you, who are you willing to be for your kids? Because this is where it starts, my friend, taking good care of you, and I am here to help you if you need any support, I hope you know that. Just DM me or send me an email and I am here to support you. That's what I have for you today. I just wanted to send you a little bit of a pep talk because I know that sometimes we're so afraid that the kids aren't gonna be okay. And it sounds like it's off topic. It is not. The way for your children to be okay is for you to be okay. You don't have to make up for, you don't have to fix. You don't have to erase all the things that happened. And if the other co-parent is being really, really difficult, I know that it feels like there's no hope. There is. All kids need is one good, loving, safe parent. That's it. And if they get one, that's amazing. So let that be you. That's what I have for you, my friend. I will look forward to seeing you next time. In the meantime, take really, really good care of you. Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. [music] Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.