Ep #102: A Fresh Start

Welcome to Co-parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. Hey friends, welcome back. Do you ever feel like you can't figure out how to change something or you just keep thinking the same thing over and over, you wanna do it differently, but it just doesn't seem to happen, well, stay tuned because we are going to give you a fresh start with your mindset that you can get to any time you need. But before we get into the episode, I wanted to tell you if you haven't heard about something super fun. I have a new thing where you can send me voicemail. I love this so much. You can send me whatever question you have, whatever's going on for you that you wanna hear about here on the podcast. It's an easy way for you guys to send me notes, things you love about the podcast, things you wanna hear more of, things that are going on for you. The link is in the show notes, please send me a voicemail today, I really wanna talk to you, and it's still the month of September, so we're still celebrating, and if you want to receive a little gift from me, then I want you to go ahead and rate and review the show. I would be so appreciative if you would, because it helps the show get more attraction and find more moms who need the message, so please go ahead, rate and review the show, take a screenshot and DM it to me over on Instagram @mikkigardner. The links in the show notes for there too, and I will send you a little gift. But today, I wanted to talk about giving yourself a fresh start. You know that's part of what divorce is. It's a change, it's an end of one thing, and the start of something new. But it doesn't have to just be in these big transition moments or the big moments in life. We can create a fresh start for ourself anytime we need one. One way that we do that is through our mindset, and that's what I wanted to talk about today, and I hope you don't mind the background noise, there are some cars driving by, but it's almost 4:00. It's a chilly morning. I've been enjoying my coffee outside and I thought, Well, I just wanna talk to you guys outside, so bear with me on the construction noise, if you can hear that, and the cars. But sometimes we just need that fresh start, and so that's what I wanted to talk about today. If there's one thing I hear from so many moms that I talk to, it's the why bother doing all this work? It's not gonna change anything. Or my ex is too difficult, so there's just nothing I can do. Here's what I tell them each and every time. You are so much more powerful than you know, and part of that is understanding what you have control over and what you don't, and learning to step into a mindset that creates solutions instead of focusing on the problem. Because here's the thing, if you think the problem is too big, it will be. If you think nothing will change, it won't. If you are convinced that your ex is the problem, you will find all the evidence to make that true. Albert Einstein said that, If you believe you can or you can't, you're right. I say that to my son all the time because it's so true, it's actually called the confirmation bias. The confirmation bias is a tendency for our brain to search for or interpret data that's just things that it's seeing in the world to favor or confirm or support your beliefs or values. We display this bias when we select information that supports our own view and ignoring contrary, and the effect is the strongest when the desired outcome is really around emotionally charged issues or deeply held beliefs. What does that mean in real life? It just simply means that your brain is constantly categorizing, trying to figure out, is something safe, is it not safe, do we need to run? Do we not need to run? Our brains are very basic, just looking for that basic information. But the confirmation bias really goes towards our brains need and desire to be correct. Our brain, I know I've said before in here, is really just looking to answer the questions that you ask it as quickly and efficiently as possible, and it wants to be "right" so the confirmation bias helps it go in search of those "right answers". This doesn't mean that they are true or right, but it really just means that it is finding information that is going to support what you are asking it. If you ask it is my ex the problem? Yes, it's going to find all the information for you. If you ask it, Will anything ever change? From this negative place, no, here's all the reasons why. Your brain is just doing this to be able to categorize quickly, your brain doesn't know that it's not supporting you, and that's why we need a mindset reset, because you have to set your brain up to be part of the solution. You have to use that amazing brain of yours to help you move forward in the direction that you want. Because if we just go day-to-day asking why all the problems are still happening, wondering why we can't change, wishing things were gonna be different. We're just gonna keep getting more and more of the same. If we want a different outcome, we have to do something different. If we want a different result, we have to be different, and when I say be, we have to think, we have to feel and we have to act differently. And that my friend is what I wanted to talk about today. Because so many people ask... And my clients come to me and they say, Well, when is it ever gonna change? It's going to change when you start making the concerted effort to change it, right, and you might say, Well, I shouldn't have to do all the work alone, I know. It's not overly fair, but since when is life completely fair. At the end of the day, nobody's gonna do it for you, it's up to you. There's no knight in shining armor coming to change everything, listen, there might be an extraordinary person coming in your future, and I hope that they are. But your work is to deal with your stuff, your work is to keep a fresh perspective so that you're showing up day in and day out, moment by moment for you in support of who you wanna be, caring for yourself, loving yourself, supporting yourself, because when you can do that for you, you can do that for your kiddos. We can't just get stuck in the problems, desperately wanting things to change, to be different. When we stay stuck in that, we just find more and more evidence, we get more and more mired down and we just get stuck there. I always sometimes feel like it's like, why am I still here? Where it feels like my feet are just in quick sand where I was slowly, slowly going down. Well, I know when I feel that feeling of being sucked in, stuck, it's time for a fresh start, and that's where we really have to start to use our brains to find evidence for the solutions, to find evidence for what's working. I was just doing this with a client yesterday who was experiencing something that she experienced over and over and over again. Her ex continues to do the thing that he has always done, and she continues to be surprised by it. Why does he do it? Why won't he change? Why won't he listen to me, all of these questions. Listen, I get it, I've been there. And I think you can probably feel so much compassion for her too, it's so infuriating. But here's the thing, we can continue to get stuck in the Why, and why isn't this changing and all of those things, or we can set out on the journey to change it, and the first thing we do is start to gain awareness. As soon as you realize like she did that she was activated that she was pissed off, it was time to stop. And we look at it like an iceberg, if the anger and the frustration is at the top, that's what's above the water. In order to gain an awareness, we have to start to see what's underneath the water. And so when we started to peel back all those layers, we started to see how she felt very unsafe in those situations, confused, frustrated, scared, and it was triggering patterns that were familiar to her from her past, which is what we do in all relationships. And so we needed to start to understand, well, what is being triggered here? And for her, she was feeling out of control. She was feeling that she had to start walking on eggshells in order to get him to stop doing what he was doing, but she had walked on those eggshells their entire relationship, and it didn't change. Here's where we have to start to set our minds up for something else, once we're aware of it, we start to peel back the layers and then start to make choice, take agency, so that we can take the aligned action towards what we want. Really, in this instance, it was about for her to stop blaming him for doing that thing that he does all the time, and instead start to expect that he is going to do that thing and she is going to feel pissed off. And when she does, what does she want to do about it, how does she wanna show up, how does she want to respond, and that's when we have to start making the choices that we have available to us to move us in the direction that we wanna go. It's deciding not to engage in those nasty grams, in that toxic arguing that only ends up spiraling out of control. It's the decision to start focusing on setting up your home with your children on your time, the way that you want to, maybe that's what peace, calm, fun, some structure, whatever you want to do to show up as the best version of you, it's making those choices to do it. And this is where that perspective of shifting our mindset is to start to tell yourself you have more control than you do, you are going to be part of the solution, not the problem, and then there are going to be times when you fall into and focusing on the problem and that's okay. You remind yourself again. Right, no, we're gonna start over, we're gonna start over being part of the solution. Change happens one decision at a time. No, it's not the sexiest thing in the world, we all wish that we could have some boom epiphany. And everything's better, but that's just simply not how the world works. Change that is lasting really comes from one decision at a time, and when you get off course, you start again. This is resilience. Isn't this what you want for your children... I know it's what I want from my son. To be resilient to make a mistake, to own up to that and to learn from it and move forward. This is how you become the most powerful change agent in your life. This is how we change the world. Is one decision at a time, and it's a decision to be solution-focused, it is a decision to give yourself that fresh start when you need it, because you deserve it, you matter, and absolutely, you can change and you can start again a new moment to moment to moment. So many of us get so mired down and wanting things to be different. Desperately wanting things to be a different way, and we wanna go from A to Z, and so we focus on Z. How do I get there? How do I get there? How do I get there? Well, what we need to focus on is to go to B, and then step C, and then step D, E, F all the way through. Yes, hold that vision of what you want ultimately. But it also is deciding, what can I do in this moment? What can I do in the next moment that gets me in that direction, that is powerful, that's having a fresh start mindset to keep you moving in the direction you wanna go. And my friend, I know that it's not the easiest thing to ask of you, it's not. It's quite hard. But it's also more simple than we make it, when we can just focus on what is front of us, and the biggest part of this is making sure that you are healing, that you are taking the action to heal yourself, that you are surrounding yourself with a support system to do that, and that you are talking through it. Listen, we can't just live up in our heads and expect things to change. It's just isn't how it works. We are wired to be in community, we need to be in community, and we need support, and when we have found ourselves divorced in two homes, maybe alone, parenting on our own, it goes against all the wiring, and it can feel overwhelmingly lonely. And that is when we can get really stuck and then nothing's changing, it's always gonna be this way. If you feel that or hear those voices in your head, I want you to acknowledge them and then choose differently. This is when you choose to be part of the solution, and you start to get yourself help. I want you to reach out to friends, to a therapist, to a coach, reach out to me, send me that voicemail I talked about at the top of the show. Or send me a DM and tell me what's going on for you. Because you are not meant to do this alone. I know my client yesterday said, You know, I never would have thought of it this way had we not been talking about it. That's what your coach does for you, I'm there to help you see that things can be different and to help you find your path to make that change happen. You hold all of the answers, every single one of them, they're already inside of you. And setting yourself up with the support system to seek out those answers is the most beautiful gift you will ever give yourselves, I promise you, I've been on this journey, I'm always on this journey, I watch my clients and I support them through it, it is powerful, and the greatest part of it is this is how we change the world because we create a better world for our children when we are showing up this way. That's what I wanted to offer you today, I just wanted you to know that you can have a fresh start any time you need it, and it starts with your mindset. I'm so grateful that you're here with me. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I will see you next week, and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you, friend. And one more thing. The legal stuff, this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.