Ep #44: A Conversation with Alicia Robertson

Mikki: I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is the Co-Parenting with Confidence podcast, episode number 44, A Conversation with Alicia Robertson. [music] Mikki: Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who wanna move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly wanna be. My name is Mikki Gardner, I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children? Well get ready and let's dive into today's episode. [music] Mikki: Welcome friend. Thank you for joining me today. I know that there are a gazillion and three things you could be doing and so many great podcasts that you could be listening to, and I'm just really grateful that you're here with me today. With this podcast, it is truly my intention to bring you new perspectives, encouragement and a whole lot of love. And today, I'm offering you a conversation that I had with a wonderful human, Alicia Robertson, She's a beautiful soul, and we share the same mission to support women and moms in learning how to show up as their best selves even through divorce. Mikki: Alicia is an author, a speaker, a life and divorce coach, who helps recently separated moms through her business Lemonade Life. She knows exactly how devastating it is to hear those words, "I want a divorce." And she helps moms navigate from that place. Today we're having a really honest conversation about how to separate and divorce with intention and clarity, stepping into transitions with self-worth, and boundaries and communication, and many thoughts on how to navigate that change, those transitions and the communication with both the outside world and your kids. I do have to say that I'm sorry, I was having a little bit of work done at my house, so there are gonna be points in this conversation where you hear the banging. Trust me, it was far more painful for me, I hope [chuckle] But it's not gonna be the perfect audio, and I really appreciate that you understanding life happens. So without further ado, let's take a listen. Mikki: Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. I am so excited to have Alicia Robertson here. And welcome. Thank you for coming. Alicia: Thank you, Mikki. I'm really thrilled to be here. It's funny how I'm thrilled to talk about separation, divorce and co-parenting but I'm so passionate and fired up about it, so thank you. Mikki: Oh, absolutely. I'm super excited that we connected and that we can have this opportunity. I did intro you a little bit before the show, but I would really love to hear from you sort of a little bit who you are, how you got here, what you're doing now. Alicia: Yeah, so I suppose my journey, not unlike most of us women who are basically go from menstruation to postpartum to menopause [laughter] and there's no stopping. And all along the way, we're trying to navigate what is really life change, massive change, through all these different types of milestones, and I really had done all the right things in all the right ways, the good daughter, The Good Wife, the good mom, graduated all the levels was a community leader or a volunteer, all of these things that I love as a caretaker and a provider and a supporter, but it had absolutely exhausted me, depleted me and had me in burn out mode because I had lost my identity. I lost who I was and what I wanted, what my values were, I really was living for all the other people, as a mom, as a wife, as all of these labels and titles that had really consumed me. And I have two children, and with my first, I had gone through postpartum anxiety but didn't realize it didn't identify as it. This is when things started to be obviously not working for me in life, but I didn't know why or how. If other people can push through it, so can I. Mikki: Right. Alicia: We get these statements like, "Oh, having a young family is exhausting. It'll get better." "Oh, you just live one degree above camping." Whatever these things were. And so the message I was getting was, I gotta push through because the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be there. And then with my second, I had crippling postpartum anxiety, that was not something I could just push under the rug and say, "Oh, this will get better." I was not able to participate in life and I was having panic attacks. And at the same time, realizing that something was really off in my marriage and my partnership, and I remember the day. I went into our home gym and I asked my husband, I said, "Should I be worried about our marriage?" And he just looked at me and sat down on the bench and said, "I don't know." And I knew in that moment, just by looking at his eyes that it was over, that we were done. And I was going through postpartum, I had a six-week old, this was all really not planned for and massive change. And so that's where I started this journey and the work that I'm doing now that is so incredibly important, and at this point has been received and touched over 30,000 women who experienced Lemonade Life. Mikki: That's amazing. So tell me about the Lemonade Life. Alicia: Yeah, so Lemonade Life is all the things I wish I could find, but couldn't. So in that moment, just low, like fetal position, I'm not sure how to pick myself up off the floor and feeling so isolated, full of depression, all of the things. And so what do you do? You Google. [chuckle] I still didn't identify with the word divorce, I'm the only person in my family who's ever done this thing called divorce, I come from modeling and background is that till death do you part. You're in it forever. And so I didn't have a community, a modeling, a sense of what this could look like, and I Googled separation, and it was like preparing for spouses that are military, right, and their spouse is going off to war and what was the other one? Oh, how to save your marriage. [laughter] Alicia: Those were the two options. I was like, "Well, this is not entirely helpful." and I just felt even more isolated and so... And of course, I was dealing with all of this anxiety and mental un-wellness, and so I also at the same time, I'm a very capable, smart, resilient, independent, successful woman. It's totally possible to be both things. And so I was able to understand that I wanted resources, tools, information, I wanted to skill-build. Alicia: I have a growth mindset, I wanted to be able to approach it in a positive way. I did not want to succumb to the limiting beliefs and stigma that I saw the narrative to be as divorced and what they called broken homes. I did not was for my family, and I really... I just... I wanted to be around people who could share through their experience in an aspirational way, that if they can do it in a positive way, so can I and I'm gonna get busy doing that thing. And so this is how Lemonade Life came to be is that I just wanted to create a space that was community, that was connection, and that was coaching. And that's what we've done. How you get here, it matters, it matters because it's personal, but it's really about the effort and the energy, and the intentionality and the skill building that we do from this point forward. Mikki: Yeah, and I love that you sort of touched on that, because there's... I think so often we get stuck in the past. We get stuck in the story, we get stuck in the worry of the future. And so it's always really what you're talking about is coming back to the present, to what is right now, and what can I do about it, right? Alicia: Absolutely. Mikki: And I love that, I love that focus. Alicia: Because the thing is, when we go through these types of experiences and listen, these types of experiences, divorce was my rock bottom and my God was for opportunity, but you know, as parents, just based on ages and stages of the children, just based on what we started off with as our journey as humans and all the life stages and so on, change in challenges always, and what we can control is in this very moment by knowing who we are, what we want and having the skills to go for it. So that really is where I started, and I love you said that, "Okay, how can I control this experience that was not of my choosing, and is filled with grief and unknowns and fears?" And by the way, I chose that after I was the victim, the martyr, the jealousy, the denial, the bargaining, the anger, the sad, and I was very well supported with therapy [chuckle] and I like to just manage those expectations where people are like, "Okay, I wanna get there too, but I am stuck." That I was too. Mikki: Yeah, we all are on the floor in the bathroom for a moment for quite some time, right. And then I think what we're talking about is that next step. It's like once we're on our knees, and then where we have it. [laughter] Alicia: And I always say that. There's such a difference, I remember hitting my knees so many times thinking like somebody would pick me up, but it was always the doorbell or an obligation to be at an appointment, and finally when you rise for yourself and you know you got it. [laughter] Mikki: Yeah, that's such a good point. And I think you and I are so similar in that, and then we really get into this wanting the support that we didn't have. And I always love... I heard someone say that, it's so good, so you partner with someone or to have older friends, or to find a mentor or to have a coach because their rear view mirror is your today. Alicia: I love that. Mikki: And so finding and partnering with people who have walked the journey that aren't guessing, but sort of coming along with you, and so I love where this can take us in this conversation today, 'cause I'd like to hear sort of what you see as maybe one or two of the biggest struggles as women are going through the separation and divorce process. Alicia: So what's really interesting, and I love this question, Mikki, because people come to me to be that rear view mirror. I know how to do the divorce project, and at the end of the day, the divorce journey, the divorce process is a project. So let's have a timeline, know the information, know who our team needs to be, all the things, negotiation, all that stuff. Great. That's what they come to me for, but do you know what people really come to me for? Which is really in my experience with women, in all of my experience through organizational development, strategic planning, and now supporting them with this. And this is really what I love coaching on, is self-worth, [0:11:48.8] ____ boundaries, and communication with confidence. Mikki: Yeah. Alicia: And so for all the things we talked about as women, for all of the reasons there are such gifts that we are incredibly intuitive, thoughtful caretakers and supporters in our communities, but if we don't challenge that or make sure that we're doing that in a healthy, productive, energized way it comes a toxic positivity that depletes us. Mikki: Absolutely. Alicia: And so we're all to some degree, have these moments where it really is the self-worth, boundaries and communication. Mikki: Yeah, I love that. So what are some of the strategies that you help them with? What are your thoughts on what those boundaries might look like? Alicia: Yeah, so with boundaries, it's one thing to have boundaries, and then if you can't communicate for them, they fall flat. So that really goes hand in hand, but first is really being able to understand who am I, what are my values, what are my three to five words that are my code of conduct, and that every intentional moment, thought, action, thing that I say that it is in alignment with that. And so from there, we're able to check ourselves. In every request before we head into any negotiation, is that we first understand do I want to? Am I capable? Is this in alignment with my values? Alicia: And then we can speak from that place, I am capable of doing this, but I don't want to [laughter] Mikki: Yeah. Alicia: I'm not capable of doing this right now because I have other projects that are a priority, but I would love to so keep me in mind for the future. So we're able to really easily identify what is not only the things that fulfill and matter most to us, but what are our priorities right now with any given opportunity. Mikki: Yeah, I love that, and I love that you're pointing out, the clarity that we're often seeking and we wanna know what's the next right thing to do? How do I answer this question? How do I get my ex to do what I want him to do and start whatever, in co-parenting. So I love that you're bringing it back to, I know I talk about it all the time on this podcast, but it's what are your values? What is sort of that... I always talk about the grounded oak tree, those roots that put us so deep into the ground that we cannot be shaken. Whatever storm comes, and those are what you're talking about. The values, knowing what you stand for, and it becomes sort of like that filter. Alicia: Yes. Mikki: But everything gets funneled through. Alicia: Yeah, and in particular, when you have a partnership that is a complex partnership like co-parenting is that in my experience, when we've been able to have transparent and inclusive dialogue, when we understand fully what are our own priorities, what are those of the children, what are those of our former partners, we can usually achieve with creative negotiation and openness. We can usually achieve everybody's top needs or priorities, but it requires us to know clearly what ours are and how we can actually engage and lean into conversation to understand what theirs are. Mikki: Yeah, yes, so I love and this going clearly into the communication and being able to have that. And so I think when we are and when we have a co-parenting partner that's willing to do that, it's not always easy or fluid or pretty, but being able to be... You have to be very clear is what I'm hearing you say first, and what you need, what your boundaries are, before you even enter that negotiation. Alicia: Yeah, and just so that again, like with co-parenting, it's easy to go to a place of judgement or opinion and to an affect that they're gonna follow whatever it is that that matters to you when that may not be the case, how we get to the goals or to the priorities is going to look different in each of our homes, and so I always like to stick to what are these facts, what are circumstance, what are the value-centered things, because we stay out of opinion and judgment. So then if the goals for the children are to have smart, capable, independent, resourceful, then what are the things that we're going to do in our parenting strategies to help support them to get to there, and then it's gonna look different in both of our homes, but again, we're speaking up for what matters to us and what matters to our children. Mikki: I love this, and so this leads me to a question that I know I get all the time, and I'm sure you do, but what are some of the strategies or ideas or sort of where do you go when navigating the different parenting styles? So it comes up so often and by the way, married couples have the same issue, right? [laughter] Alicia: Absolutely. So number one is, again, I like to stay right to facts, situation, circumstance, not getting into personal attack, opinions or judgments. So you know what? If the goal is that we have rested or energized children, and we know that bed time needs to look like this, we can talk about that not, "Hey, you missed bedtime again." Or "The kids are always coming back tired, and that's on you." That we can just always have a place that is, "Okay, this matters to the children as it relates to their safety and their security and their stability." And so, "Hey, how can we make this a better situation for them as it relates to the goals we have for them." I also never triangulate. So with the kids, the reality is, is that the kids are going back and forth between two homes who have two different ways to do things, and so the good news is they get to experience different ways of doing things, and so when my kids come back I lean in with curiosity, what is it that they're trying to share? Why does it matter to them? Why does it make them feel this way? And then I ask them what are their values and what would they like to see happen and what matters to them? And then I let them know that if this is a conversation, how do we go back and speak to their parent themselves to work through this, and this is age and stage appropriate, of course. Mikki: And if it needs to be escalated with some support, we can do that, but first and foremost, I want them to be equipped to go back and speak to the other parent themselves to be able to make the change that they need to see happen for themselves. No different than if it was a coach, a teacher, a peer. Mikki: Yes. Alicia: And then, hey, the good news, my dear child, is that you get to experience these different ways of looking at life and parenting and home style, and you get to make different choices for yourself when you're there in life, and so... Mikki: I love that, I didn't mean to cut you off there, I think it's an important point though, because if there's one thing we're guaranteed in life it's that things are changing all the time. And so to have resilient, empowered, independent children, number one, is learning how to navigate change. And I know, for me, just I have a child that struggles with the transitions. Just part of it. We are many years past it, it is still present, and there was a lot of resistance around it for me for many, many years, until I finally sort of dropped the rope and realized if I could empower them to make the transition, and stop wanting him to not feel it, but just learn how to do it, right? How much more am I helping him? Alicia: So beautiful. Mikki: But we all go through that, and so, because that's a big thing especially when you're just starting this process, because we as the moms have so many feelings about, that there are now two homes, there's the guilt, there's the drama, there's all the stuff, and sort of navigating that schedule and handling the changes and supporting the kids. So if you were able to give maybe one or two things, what do you think the most important things are for moms or co-parents to focus on? Alicia: Yeah, so I'm a big energy person. And in order to be in a space where you can really be in the moment and feel energized, that requires planning, planning, all the things we've been talking about. So planning is massive, so that we can all be transparent and inclusive and to have an open way to manage any changes that are coming up for the month or the week, and that means we're constantly checking on that schedule, but the energy is that, transition days take a lot more energy. And as parents, we've gotta remember, we are so much more equipped and we have therapists, and we have friends we can talk to, and we have coaches like ourselves, the kids don't. Alicia: Yeah. Alicia: They have only us. And they don't yet have these coping strategies of what it looks like to feel these intense emotions and to feel depleted and how to work through that. So we have to provide them that safe, secure, stable nest. A responsive parenting environment. So for me, it really is about, straight away, we don't plan things on transition days, we focus on our energy, we focus on what the emotional, social connection, and need of the children are first and foremost. And that means we're able to have a family meal, to do things that are fun. So we kind of flip it that, okay, this is gonna be a new tradition, a new thing that we're going to carve out together, so what matters to you on transition day. And do, again, age and stage appropriate, sometimes they wanna gap out for a little bit and they just wanna be on their own, maybe play a game, read a book, whatever, that's fine. And sometimes they want maximum snuggle time, and get out. So we just, again, the constant communication, that feedback loop, what matters to you in this day, because the thing is as moms and I have been activated by this so many times, where they can say something, and I am, just like you said, into guilt, "Oh my goodness, I've ruined them, I've done these things." Alicia: And at the end of the day, for the kids, it's really never about the things I imagine it to be, it's always about the much more simple logistics, or kind of that selfish stuff, where it's just inconvenient for them. Okay, so how do we help that? So again, we have ways to transition out of the home and into the home, and that it's routine and consistent, so we have checklists. We have checklists that they could participate in, we have places where we put things that go to the other, and we have a basket, in the mud room, so we don't have to, "Oh, okay, we want that to go to daddy's. Okay, put it in the basket. It's right there." So the tools to be able to really help everyone to just know where they are, where they're going, and how they're gonna exit, and how they're gonna enter. Mikki: I love that, just that clarity and the intentionality behind that, it reminds me back and I can't remember which month it was, but I had a young lady on... She wrote a book, she's 11 years old, her name's Stacy, she wrote a book about Kid's Guide to Divorce. If you have not read it, you must read it. Alicia: I'm reading it. Mikki: She is a rockstar, this little girl. But one of the things that she said was around transition, and I really loved that you framed it, the adult version of how she did. She said, "For me, I get a little sad. And that's just... That's just what happens." And so her mom, they go to Starbucks and she gets to have a Frappuccino or something, that she, something that she likes. And she goes, "We drive there, and we get it, and we talk, and then we go home," and if I need more, we'll talk about it then, but it's like she has a little tradition. When she goes to dad's, when she goes to mom's, and that was her number one piece of advice, is find something that helps you connect, and keep it consistent. And so I love all the things that you've just said on sort of the mom's side of that, because I think the more tangible ways that we can sort of give ideas [0:24:43.5] ____. Alicia: Yeah, and it's like, even while they're there, my kids, when they were younger, they would say the same thing, it was, "Well, I miss mommy when I'm not with mommy, and I miss daddy when I'm not with daddy." And at first it's like, break my heart, I have done this to them. They're so sad. Okay, wait a second, sadness is normal, it's okay to not be okay. And what is the strategy I can help them with? And so for my kids when they were younger, they had lovey stuffies that mummy would fill up and they'd put them in their backpack, so if they need a little mommy love, or energy, they'd go and they'd touch the stuffy or they take it out and snuggle it. We had pictures of us in their bedrooms at each home. Mikki: Yeah, it's huge. Alicia: Just understanding from them, "Okay, what would help you to feel less sad?" But to make sure that you can set it up in ways that are setting yourself up for success, so sometimes if we do it from a place of guilt while well-intentioned, it isn't consistent, or it's not sustainable over the years, so for example, some of my clients will really get into bedtime phone calls, or some of these things, or like getting up, well, Okay, but you're going to be living a life that you might not be able to check in every single bedtime, and let's face it, you being away from the kids, you need to practice what that looks like on both sides. So something that's sustainable. Mikki: Yeah, I love that, yeah. Sustainable, and not impacting, like their life and anywhere, that where they feel guilty, or if they don't check in, probably 'cause I don't check in... Alicia: 100%, exactly, yeah. Mikki: Okay, this is really awesome. And then one of the other things that sort of speaking to kids, 'cause I always think, I would love to get different people's opinions on this but, breaking the news to your kids, my son was very, very young when I went through it, I know each of my clients, it's like it's a different story, but what is your take, or what do you see as helpful for moms to think about when getting ready to break the news? Alicia: Yeah, I think that this is so incredibly important. Language is everything, language drives meaning, beliefs, it can really reduce or elevate any experience, and I do think this is your opportunity to set the tone, to set the stage. And so I think that it is first very important to unpack all that is negative and lacking and icky, yucky, stuck-y, judgy, about this experience for yourself, to be clear on what is the story and the vision you have for your family as you're going to move forward. Mikki: Yeah. Alicia: Because kids feel everything, kids see everything, they hear everything, and they will absorb and take on what you feel about this experience, so I'm not saying you have to be completely perfect in a space of acceptance, and further along, but we need to have these very clear and concise statements, that is what you stick to, and so in this moment, it's really important to be easy, so little kids, it's as simple as, "Mommy and daddy are no longer going to be married, we're going to become friends." Or, "Focus on our friendship, but mommy will always be your mommy and daddy is always your daddy, and our love for you is never changing. It's always." And so, okay, fine. My little one was little, she was like, "Can I get back to my show now?" We had stressed about it for months, but to understand that they're receiving... You're probably three years ahead of them on a grieving space and have had support, so children in the beginning are not going to compute, or they're not gonna get it, it's gonna be denial, it's gonna be bargaining, it's gonna be all the things in the moment, they're likely not going to receive much, so the simpler, the better. And what's important is the tone of positivity, that leadership space, and then being able to have continuous and constant feedback loops to then be able to support the grieving process, and what will be a massive change. Alicia: Now for my older children with clients, they have it a little bit more challenging, in that, you're going to maybe get more feedback, and the tough stuff, and the tough questions and again, it's that back pocket statements on how to handle it, to validate it, to acknowledge it, to answer where you are prepared to answer. And to let the children know that you don't have all the information, or that this might not be the most appropriate time to talk about it, but that we will do so when the timing is right. And the other piece is social media, so what I've had is that we have to have an immediate understanding around the family unit, are we going to keep this in confidence for a period of time before we go public with this? Mikki: Oh yeah. Alicia: Or we want to go public with this right away, because what happens is our teenage kids go off into the bedroom and start texting your friends, but again, they're not equipped with delivering information like this, and so they're putting what they're putting out to the world and now that's getting into the extended support network that also is uninformed and not aware and has not been asked to support in a specific way that matters to your family. So this is a different... We need to be prepared with the communication that is going to touch our inner circle, our extended family, our communities, and people that hold the children, coaches, teachers, peer groups, close families, so this requires a very intentional strategy that is ready for plan A, plan B, plan C, after we share with the children. Mikki: Yeah. Alicia: And so... And again, you can make those decisions, you can... Again, when we're having those conversations with the kids, "Hey, we would like to understand what matters to you and we're all gonna decide together, the majority rules, mom and dad are making final decision," if you look anyway, still, but that we have that path and in the plan. Mikki: Yeah, so what I'm hearing you say, is really, it's about the intentionality. Alicia: Yeah. Mikki: With that being very clear for yourself, and then having those, as you said, back pocket statements ready. And I think this is really an important thing too, that we often... We often feel like just because a question was asked that it requires a response. Across the board, no, unless someone's life is hanging in the balance, it does not require an answer, at that moment. And I think that's one of the skills I see as being really helpful, is just learning to pause, because we all are so quick, especially when the pain, when the feelings, when all of it feels like it's sort of crumbling in on us, just taking that moment to pause and almost having a statement ready, like you said, right? Alicia: Yeah, and this is, the ladies in the group always laugh, I want you to practice saying nothing, hold your tongue, take a drink of water, because it is, as moms, as wives, as women, we're used to problem solving. Mikki: Yeah. Alicia: And it's honestly, so much energy and sometimes not received because we haven't taken the time to realize what is really important to that person or what their... Or we're not respecting their boundaries. "Do you want me to help you solve that?" Mikki: Sure, yes. Alicia: "Do you want to... " And I love that, I think that the intentionality is so important, the other thing is that in alignment with what you're saying, which is another thing I love is that, when you're sharing news, it doesn't need all the things, the justifications, and all the things that are of your fears and limiting beliefs. Sharing information is communicating a decision, which is a fact, and what is required to move forward. Mikki: Yeah. Alicia: And so with kids, it's like, we share the news, like we have talked about, and then what is moving forward? We are going to move forward with transparency and inclusion as we work towards a new family dynamic, we don't have all the answers right now, but we know as a family, we're gonna be open and we're going to share what is important to us, we will feel heard around the table, and we will work together on what this needs to look like for each of us. Mikki: Yeah, and I wanna take it just sort of... There are many, I know I have many clients that do not have exes that are supportive, that will not communicate, who are not participating in any of this. This conversation is so applicable. Alicia: Totally. Mikki: What goes on in your home, the story that you tell to your children of why, or of the divorce or what next steps are gonna look like, I always... It's important, it's like, "What am I going to share? Whose benefit is it for? Does it support my kids? Or is it supporting me?" It's really only sharing that which they need to know and which is in support of them, and then you can still do all of this, even if the other person isn't participating, because you're still on your side of the road showing up intentionally, with purpose, with values, and that is of great influence. Mikki: And so, I think it's important to just state that, 'cause we're talking as if it's like completely inclusive, and it's, we also recognize it is not. Alicia: Yeah, and you know the thing is, is that, you're modeling greatness for your children, and you are modeling it, so this is... You're doing this in a way that is of your integrity and in alignment with your values, the other person, and I know people always get afraid that that person is gonna have a greater impact on the children, or Disneyland parenting, or all these things, and whatever, and in my, and I don't know about you, Mikki, but in all of the clients I've seen or witnessed, the children love consistency, routine, knowing where they stand, and having someone that is modeling greatness and coming back to a positive space that is nurturing and responsive, all of these things, even if they seem to get further away from you for a time, it's almost a time, they always come back to what is that healthy space, they figure it out, children are smart, children are smart. Mikki: They are, and, yeah, I think, and the one thing that I always go back to is that there's really only a couple... There's two options, right? Fear or love, right? That's it. And so when we're acting from fear, it's a very fast, but weak energy, it might seem powerful, it might seem, because it's in your face, but it's a very fast and very unstable energy, love is a very slow, strong vibration. And so I think that's what you're referring to, is that when we're always syncing into that strongest vibration, that strongest energy level, we are coming from strength, and kids, everyone is attracted to that, the fast fear repels, the confidence, the intentionality, all of that is a magnet for our children, and so I think it's like, what are we wanting to do, are we wanting to bring them towards us, or push them away, and that guiding our energy always I think is such an important point, and so. Alicia: I love that and what you just said there too, is acknowledging that our children are on their own journey, and we're not responsible for what their choices are, or what that journey is going to be, and we can't control it either, and sometimes our children are just going to make poor choices, and they are going to want to go to the other side and further away from love, we stay true to ourselves and who we are as moms and as parents, but that can happen. Kids are human and they're making their own choices and they're not always great, and you don't always have to like them. Mikki: Yeah. I make daily poor choices. I think it's on the daily that I'm like, "Wow, really? I just did that? Okay, well, I'll try again." Alicia: Which is where we have the compassion, you're like, "Oh, but I'm really not a perfect parent either." Mikki: No, no, no. Well, so, and much as I would love to keep you and talk all day, I wanna be cognizant and respectful of time, but I would be remiss if I didn't ask you this question, it is Co-Parenting with Confidence, and so I would love to know how you define and create confidence. Alicia: Confidence is everything, I believe it's an inside job, and I believe it is a consistent practice that requires time and effort, and so for me, quite simply, is that, it means that I am prioritizing myself, every day, and so that can be very accessible and very consistent, I call it living in color, it could be the quotes that I have beside me, the affirmations that I carry in my pockets, it can be washing my face and taking a bath, my yoga practice, whatever that is, that prioritizes myself, lifts my energy, and when my energy lifts, I'm in a place of confidence, that is really aligned with who I am and what I want, and that's the magic of that energetic confidence that attracts the world around you to show up the way that you desire it to be, it just, for me, requires a sustained practice of, like you said, in the very beginning, to be the oak tree, where my roots are firmly, firmly planted, and my beautiful tree canopy can flow in the wind. Mikki: Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, I love that, and I wish you all could see Alicia right now, 'cause you've got your lemonade sign behind you, and she just has a beautiful yellow shirt on, and just exuding confidence and positivity and all of it. So I'm so grateful that you're here and that you had this conversation with us and shared with my audience all of your wisdom and just our energy, it's been really such a pleasure. So please tell everybody how they can follow you, where they can find you, if they'd like to learn more. Alicia: Yeah, I'd love to, thank you. My favorite social is Instagram, @lemonadelifecoach. Always available over email. As you can tell, I do like to connect and hold conversation and space, which is [email protected], the website is www.lemonadelife.ca, and we have so many free accessible resources, resources that are available in all types of price points, because it's really important to me that whether you're following along and engaged in community, or you're in the most intensive program we have that you know that you are held in a community that is a safe place that matters for your experience through this, so, I just, I really appreciate your time, Mikki, and to me being able to share that. Mikki: Yeah, and thank you for all you do, and there's a lot of people out here in this space like you and that are doing great work and supporting women and kids in homes, and so I'm grateful to have met you and to be able to share you with my audience, so thank you. Alicia: Thank you so much. Mikki: Alright, isn't she great? I loved her energy and everything she brought. I wanna just point out a couple of takeaways, and I'd love to hear yours. Here are some of the things I took away. Priority number one is protecting your energy, it starts with focusing on your self-worth, creating boundaries, and communicating. Self-worth starts with knowing who you are and what matters to you, and building the values that become your code of conduct, when navigating different parenting styles, it's important to stick to the facts, to leave your opinion out of it and start from a neutral place, based on what your kids need. Another takeaway was the two homes, in and of itself does not damage the kids, it could be a beautiful opportunity for them to gain different awareness, different perspective of other lifestyles, how different houses run, and that empowers them to make choices now and later in life, they can learn what they don't, and what they do like. Another takeaway is transitions, communication, and change, all require massive planning, plan ahead, be intentional, be transparent, be open to communication, all of these things help us show up as the person we wanna be as we navigate separation and divorce and co-parenting. Mikki: I really hope you enjoyed this interview as much as I did, having it. If you did, I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with others, and if you do share it on Instagram, please tag me and Alicia, we both love to connect with people over there, and I'd love to hear your takeaways. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I'll see you next week, and in the meantime, take really, really good care of you. [music] Mikki: Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parentingwithconfidence.com. I'll see you next week.